State of Bliss

First Lesson of the New Year!

2012-01-01T04:21:00.000-08:00

Happy 2012 dearest readers and blogtrotters!

The countdown has come and gone just like that and yesterday is now known as last year. This time around, I did not allow myself another 9 hour jammed slow-crawl car ride all the way back from Singapore to KL (last Christmas). The roads were jammed, malls were packed and secret hideouts became less secretive as people rushed to find a place to make the last minutes of 2011 count. I, on the other hand, did nothing like that. They say it doesn't matter where you are when special moments happen, it only matters who you are with. Although family and friends were not around, I found the right person who I know would be willing not only to spend this one day of the year with me but one who would be willing to spend every other day of the year with me.

I love how every year end, people go around making lists and lists of things to do in the new year. It's amusing and funny, simply because, I don't have lists like those. I did try once, but that obviously did not turn out at all so I then realized that all these new year resolutions never come about because they were only written to be read... and then forgotten. Somehow in the middle of the year, everything slows down and all the hype about being a better person for the new year just fades away. Is that because the year isn't so new anymore so people stop trying? I am definitely guilty of "mojo-loss" during the more stressful or tedious parts of the year or even just as the year strings on.

Anyway, in all the hoo-haa during this new year, my thoughts rang close to home. New years eve, December 31st, yes, that same day everyone crowds and packs the streets in wait of fireworks; I thought of my old man. DAD. Firstly, because that is the exact date many years ago in which he was born and also because on days where my knowledge and experience failed me, my dad always sets me back on path. Over countless years, I have had the most ridiculous thoughts but I thank him for the advice that has led me back to where I am now. So, to the best dad in the world, Happy Birthday! Well, as I was saying, my thoughts led back to the things he had taught me, the advice he has rendered upon me and the encouragement he had given me throughout the years.

Dad always told me that everyday one should try to better themselves. Regardless of how big or small a change it requires, while improving oneself daily, we will always be better than yesterday. I never liked change. Change used to scare me because I hated the thought of leaving my comfort zone and and the lack of familiarity just wasn't my cup of tea. But I also realized it was the change in my ways that brought me to where I am today. Also because of my job where I am constantly in situations of uncertainty, I have over the years adapted to be more... adaptable. This trait that I have adopted has come in handy and I am glad I am this way now.

It has been many years that I said I would self-teach myself to cook but have delayed that on many terms. Today, a new plan popped up in my head and it just kept circling the corners of my mind until I got up and did what I had to do. I tried to cook. Not easy, but neither was it the most difficult thing to do. Being Chinese, the obvious thing on the menu was... RICE. Okay, I know I sound really stupid but I have never gotten the ratio of rice to water correct and therefore always try to avoid the rice cooker. Running and hiding is now a thing of the past. I made rice. Correction, I tried to make rice.

Fine, I made horribly soggy rice (way too much water), almost like porridge.

Porridge, as we know it cannot be cooked back to rice. That upset me for awhile thinking how I could have failed my first new years cooking and would have to start all over again. But all was not lost. Just like the many years before that I put in too much effort, too much time, too much energy on things or people that were not worth it; I just did not get the outcome I wanted. However, this also taught me another lesson; that rice (overly watered rice) can still be made into porridge. Still edible and it also meant that I did not have to start from scratch.

The lost friends: I know that people eventually change. Money lost can always be earned back and time wasted can always be a good lesson to learn to value time. Its nothing new, we all fail to see that mistakes in our past reflect on our future and that no one can be the perfect human. Cooking can be an eye-opener just like many other daily chores or activities that we overlook because electronic entertainment started to take over the world. This year will be a year of adventures both physical and mental, it will be a year of celebration (of long lost friends and new ones), and it will be a year of change for me. Little things. Like how my dad likes to remind me, little things that make the difference.

Have an awesome holiday everyone and may this year we all learn to embrace change! Cheers to a chameleon-y lifestyle! Happy New Year!!! :)

Raincheck

2011-12-20T00:45:00.000-08:00

It's been almost a week that I've been kicking my legs and trolling people on Facebook, living the simple unproductive life that I think I have earned thus far. I gave away my flight to London for off-days sufficient to take my mum on a full-expense-paid holiday with me, anywhere in the world she chose BUT instead my mother chose to go home (state of Pahang!). I thought I'd go to Bangkok to surprise my long lost best friend who married there and just had her first child but news just had to go the opposite direction of the flow. Flooding and bomb threats in Bangkok left me thinking otherwise. Following that, I thought I could drag my younger brother with me to Bali for the long yearned massages but even he was too busy to entertain my calls. Well, of course I could have travelled alone but I do that enough during working flights. So, I sat back and enjoyed my stay home. It was like a recuperation period for me seeing that I have been in and out of hospitals so often this year. The number of needle marks left in my arms from IV drips and all sorts of blood tests leave me looking like an addict (though I'm still the chubby bubbly me in real).

This job has really taken a toll on me. From the start, I knew it was going to be physically challenging for me, not only in terms of my vertical frame but also because my stamina and body's defense has always been at a low. The sleepless nights, long flights and weird eating habits that I eventually developed (eat a bite-work-eat another bite-work-get fed up of eating-still work). Not to mention the sleeping habits; I have to stay up one or two nights just to sleep soundly the next night and then its back to nights with insomnia. Weather has been the worst friend to me as well. Raging icy cold snowy weather outside, then walking back to a hotel bed in a warm (if not hot) dehydratingly dry and stuffy room. A very easy way of either catching the cold/flu, dehydration, fever or just plain discomfort which eventually leads to one of the mentioned.

I have never said that any job should be enjoyed, after all it is called work for good reason but to certain extents, I enjoy the job perks. Who wouldn't enjoy flying to London for tea and scones one week and the next week be tanning on the beaches in Male (Maldives)? Free entrance into many clubs worldwide and discounts on local treats to be brought home. I love(d) my job; meeting people, coming to terms with adventures, seeing the world, understanding self-dependence. There has to be an end though; all good things come to an end, am I right? The end of being surprised in meeting all sorts of people, seeing enough of the world alone, being too independent that it starts to feel lonely. Thats only my take, others have different opinions that I respect. All in all, I hate that my job is making me feel less than what I should feel; normal, healthy and happy.

I don't want vampire sleeping hours, I don't want gastric attacks for eating at weird hours and I certainly don't want to be taken for granted at work anymore. This life will end one day and I know I will look back, not in regret but proud I chose this path to prove to myself and others that I would take up the two years that they never believed I would finish and throw it back in their faces. After that, I will walk away knowing that I have lived the life many wanted to live and still like my mum, chose the better; home.

It's close to the big two now, about time to start planning other big plans. For now though, Ill pack my bags and give my all to get my way to Paris and then it's picnic by the Eiffel Tower and Ill be counting the days to go home for Christmas. See you soon loves!

Downtime

2011-11-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

The ultimate fall a person can experience is a final form of acceptance after a long process of deliberate denial. Often times, it has been said that all downfalls only lead to greater things when one decides to pick him/herself up to try again. That is however, not a concept that can be generalized for each mistake made or unfortunate/unpredictable string of events that occur. True enough, hitting the bottom rock or the lowest point, there is only one other way. UP. Regardless how many times you hear the phrase, it becomes a question of whether this is the worst, the bottom.

How you get up is another story. After constant streaks of mood swings, outbursts of anger, one too many nights intoxicated, there comes a time when it all becomes too much to handle. A craving for inner peace, hope and a refreshing of inner strength. While many look to familiar faces to find these things, other look to find a spiritual belonging, crying out to a God they never wanted to believe existed before this feeling of desperation. There never is a straightforward answer but acceptance itself I would say is a form of healing.

In the most unusual and crude manner, I was recently reminded of how I am still hiding behind sheets of insecurities and a painful past. After all this time, I still try to believe that I can swallow the pain and my pride along with it. Without realizing, I bring upon myself sleepless nights and a dive in my self-esteem and ego. The final let down, a night out ending in emotional trauma, breaking down every ounce of strength I needed to get through my days.

Still, I would like to believe in humanity and kindness. Somewhere the weak find refuge in people.

Each day is another chance to feel renewed and to change what can be changed instead of crying over the ones we can't. There is so much, in fact too much that defines life and while we can choose to let each day live for itself, there are many people already defying boundaries, making names for themselves, exploring, creating and doing what brings meaning to their lives. Cry if it makes you feel better but know also that one day you will wake up knowing the worst part is over.

Everyone needs to stop once in awhile, reboot their system, move on, become better, upgrade and become worthy of what is deemed of them.

I believe in you.

Love In All Its Glamour. The Pre-phase

2011-08-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Behind those eyes, I see shadows hovering around like the devil preying on a victim.

Behind those tears, a wilted flower separated from its glorious beauty.

Behind those scars, a "less-than" what should have been.

There was this girl I used to know whom loved life. The smallest details in life brought her joy and laughter that no one could rob her of. She loved how she could create something out of nothing. While people bought birthday cards and fancy presents, she lived by making her own cards and gifts to add that personal touch to it. She would spray cans of paint in her humble little room at home, paint meaningless pieces and cut up coloured paper and magazines to please herself.

Clothes she adored at stores in which she could not wear, she would make do by hemming the longer edges of a dress or folding the sleeves up to make them look like they fit. In her eyes, a rose was not a rose because of its mere beauty and scent, it was the fact that it was a life lived for beauty and a deeper meaning after death. She took on big dreams, hoping that the future did not hold the typical aspirations that it did for everyone else.

She not only spent time with friends but made time for them, skipping classes to see the people that mattered. Time constraints were nothing too big a deal for her, she planned her days well, never allowing other people to do so for her. She wore make-up when she felt like it and dressed up in whatever made her feel comfortable. It did not bother her how people looked at her or what they would say about the way she dressed. She promised herself that one day she would give herself the chance to see the world and take in all its beauty.

This girl, she thought nothing of herself as an individual but walked through life with friends, family and the hope of finding true love. She was but a simple girl, trying to find herself in the ruins of a complicated world. Naive, shy, but determined, she set foot to do what she thought would be best for her.

The final days of university life had come to an end, she was headstrong on taking a role in society's workforce. Slowly, as time passed by and routine kicked in, she forgot how it was like to be herself. She forgot what it felt like to know the people she knew, the way she used to know them. It was a struggle but she fought hard to remember who she thought she was.

That was when she met him. This guy, a simple fun-loving guy whom gave her the jitters every time they exchanged looks. He was tall, thin and had these small eyes that would turn into two lines stretched across his face every time he laughed. She could tell that he was different the first time she saw him but for good reasons or bad, she could not tell. Later does she find out that he was her most prized possession but also her worst downfall. Love and the power it fixates on people can be a very dangerous thing.

TBC.

Blazing Hearts

2011-08-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

The kind of love that defines a blazing flame. I lit a match stick and it caught fire, the entire box engulfed in flames. I listened to it crackle, watched it flame up and smelt it burn in the air. The idea of a lighted flame from a flick of the fingers, very enticing. An uncontrolled flame, not one you put out with a breath of air but the kind you watch die off on its own. The safe feeling where it is very unlikely to get out of control, but there is something so frightening about it if it did. Love, its seems, burns and feeds on the oxygen and resources of another but fails to fend on its own as a light source, as an inspiration. The heart is charred, a void forever. This broken heart, it must have felt that burning pain but the scars tell a story, one that experienced love in its own magnificence.

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

2011-07-28T11:28:00.000-07:00

Half Of My Heart

2011-07-20T14:31:00.000-07:00

Regrets

2011-07-20T11:25:00.000-07:00

Your biggest regret would be losing me because you cheated.

My biggest regret would be losing you because you lost me.

Some things that have been done just cannot be undone. No, I should say, can never be undone. Painful as it is, its true. 44 days and counting but this countdown is hurting me because I know Im counting down to a reason or possibility that is impossible. I told myself to walk away but every now and then, I glance back at the "what ifs" and "should have beens".

For a fact, I know that in time you will read this blogpost and I know it will hurt you but not as much as it hurts me while I type it now. I remember you once told me, I love you forever; I remember replying you that forever is a long time and that a lifetime is all I would dare ask for. Even then, a lifetime was too long to ask. I am but a simple girl, asking for nothing more than love. Not riches, not looks nor anything material can buy my heart. I thought that in the existence of love, love would fend for itself. I still dont think I am wrong or foolish in my thoughts but I was wrong and foolish to think that after you cheated, I could still rewind and go back to how things should have been.

I asked for things that were difficult to give but valid in the kind of relationship I held on to. I asked of (i) commitment, I asked of (ii) integrity, I asked of (iii) trust. I asked for everything noble and true in a relationship and only because I was more than ready and willing to give you the same. I asked that you not cheat (i - as it only proves your lack of commitment); and if you did stray away, I asked that you told me (ii - in that you lacked integrity) and I asked that you never lied to me (iii - so as not to break the trust) but, you lacked all three.

You cheated, on our anniversary mind you.

In my suspicions, I confronted you, you denied.

After I proved it, you lied.

You may not see how it has broken me but how I see it, you did not want the relationship enough. What you do not want, I will not instill upon you. After all that happened, I thought it was alright to still be with you, as long as there was love.

What is love to you? All that I pointed out may have been what a relationship survived on, but love? If love survived on companionship or presence, then I would have failed you because you are neither here nor do you provide the company that I seek. If love survived on feelings, do feelings not fade in time?

For me, love was you and knowing that you loved me back. I cannot see beyond loving someone who cannot understand me or my feelings. I cannot live my life relying on love to get me through another day because many days it fails me and it does not mean that I do not need to get on with life. Chances are for those who learn their lesson, not those who take for granted so ask not of another chance or another day to hurt me. Eight months down the road from that day you broke my heart and I gave you every day of eight months to show me what it was worth. Apparently, nothing.

Coming to two years now, I can say I truly loved you but not enough to unlove myself; for loving you would mean hurting me and I can do that no longer. 44days and you still disappoint me but that changes nothing because I am no one to you now. You will find love someday and I no longer ask anything of it because that is the path you choose and I have no right to speak of it. Move along now, while I slowly see more clearly the exact reason why I walked away.

Revamp!

2011-07-18T11:01:00.001-07:00

It feels like forever since the last time I played around with my blog designs. My templates are now so customized, if I want to change any major parts of it I actually have to remove all customizations to do so. Obviously, I only played around with the fonts and colours because I dont want to spend so much time with the new templates. Plus, I dont like the standard templates to begin with. Oh well, Ive decided to spend my time more productively so here's to a new start and an upcoming new blog. :)

Inferior Being

2011-07-11T10:31:00.001-07:00

I've written the longest post ever only to have it deleted. Words unspoken are the most painful.

Sanity, Relapse please.

2011-06-21T23:53:00.000-07:00

It is not that I am incapable of love but there is a hurt beyond what I thought existed that is hurting me. I believe I am in many ways selfish to an extent to protect myself from my inner fears but at the same time it is also because I am far past dealing with disappointment after disappointment. While I thought that friends would always have my back in the worst times, I was wrong to make assumptions. Someone once told me that I brought grief to their life solely based on my emotions and the untimeliness of my text replies. I'm sorry you felt that way, I thought you were a friend. Naive and stupid, I refuse to make the same mistake.

I came to a point where sleeping pills were of the norm, where counselling got me through another day, where I felt that no one would ever understand what I wanted to express. It's been 15 days since I waved that white flag thinking; to surrender would be the easy way out. Fact is, there is no easy way out.

I let you go, thinking it would be easier to fight this battle without the demons of your past shadowing me. I thought wrong. Every day has been a struggle to forgive myself for letting you walk away. Three days back, the alarm on my laptop sprang up on screen. Another anniversary, another reason to tear down all the strength that I have built up on my own. I will never be the same again. I do not mean to be bitter and shut everyone out but I see no reason to open myself up to any further unnecessary hurt.

I am hurting and regardless how I try not to show it, I feel like the person I know myself to be is no longer here. Everyone I know has moved forward in life, progressed to the next level of love while I held onto you. I held onto the anger, the jealousy, the hurt, the depression, the animosity, the pain of watching her get away. Eight bitter-sweet months not realizing that at the end of it all, I was digging my own grave to self destruction.

I wait for that day where I can put this behind me and bury the hurt deep under but that day is not today.

Today, I am a restless soul longing for redemption.

Today, I am a crying wanderer hoping to rise again.

Today, I am losing my grounds, praying for sanity to relapse and restore me.

I know, I know, I know this will all pass in time. Do not remind me what I already know.

But today until time passes, I am hurting so let me wallow and find my closure.

Forgive me, my family, for shutting you out.

Forgive me, my friends, for expecting too much.

Forgive me, me, for hurting this way.

I promise, I will get better in time.

Bright Eyes - Lover I Don't Have to Love

2011-06-10T04:02:00.000-07:00

Sounds like your kind of song.

Yes, I was the fool.

Final Chapter

2011-06-07T02:34:00.000-07:00

Ive written so much in my life, be it in my blog, in my journals, in my secret diary or random ramblings in university years. I've let out so many emotions through writing and Ive written of love like it was the only thing that revolved around my life. There was a part of me that thought that no matter what happened I could and would never walk away from you but that part of me is no longer here now.

Loving you after the downfall was the most difficult experience I had in all my dating/love scenes but I tried, I pushed but eventually I failed. I only believe that it is in the best of interest for the both of us to move on but mostly, I had to walk away for ME.

I had to leave to tell myself that I do not deserve anything less than I give. To remind me that love should not hurt the way it hurt me. To give me the reassurance that everyone is given a choice and there is a consequence to each decision made. To know that one day I will find happiness again. To enforce that, I have my own ego and dignity to live up to. So, I picked up the broken pieces and left.

Surely, it hurt me and although I feel like Im dying inside, I know that one day I will look back and tell myself that I am finally happy. That I did all that and endured all the pain for me. There has got to be a lot of hearts being broken around the world judging from those who googled the lyrics for invisible scar and ended up on my blog. May there be peace and love to wherever you guys are and where it hurts you.

Well, Ive decided to close the final chapter of our book. Yes, the book I wrote about us, the mental notes I took, the pages I look at every now and then, they will be flipped over so that these memories will remain memories of my past and no longer haunt me. Regardless of what youve done to me, I wish you joy, I wish you hope and I wish you happiness but most importantly, I wish you find it in yourself to forgive you for making mistakes and remind yourself each day not to make those mistakes on someone else.

Goodbye my love. I wish I could say "I wish I never met you" but I know that Id be lying. For what its worth, you know that Ive always loved you. Let this be me letting go of you and trying to make a life of my own. Best wishes.

By The Way

2011-06-04T02:38:00.000-07:00

What Are Words

2011-05-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

Anywhere you are, I am near

Anywhere you go, I'll be there

Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see

How every single promise I keep

Cuz what kind of guy would I be

If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words

If you really don't mean them

When you say them

What are words

If they're only for good times

Then they don't

When it's love

Yeah, you say them out loud

Those words, They never go away

They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent just for me

And I know I'm meant to be where I am

And I'm gonna be

Standing right beside her tonight

And I'm gonna be by your side

I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words

If you really don't mean them

When you say them

What are words

If they're only for good times

Then they don't

When it's love

Yeah, you say them out loud

Those words, They never go away

They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near

Anywhere you go, I'll be there

And I'm gonna be here forever more

Every single promise I keep

Cuz what kind of guy would I be

If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

Down With The Flu

2011-05-06T00:02:00.000-07:00

Its a Friday evening and this feeling of being physically beat is killing me. Fever paired with the flu and an inflamed throat is not the best feeling. Just touched down from Beijing last night. I never thought that China had that much for me to take interest in but then again many times I can make ignorant and biased assumptions. Id write more if only I had the strength but Ill be coming back with more travel updates for the past year. Til then, goodnight all. Off to hibernate now.

Its Back To WHOREland For You!

2011-05-01T10:19:00.000-07:00

The irony of it. Hah!

You still read my blog after I publicly de-thrown you from your imaginary crown. Taiwan, only four hours away, so sure, you have every right to chicken out. Be afraid, be very afraid because Ill be back in slightly less than a week and that wont be my last trip. If only you knew what a cheap slut you are in my eyes and in his.

Say goodbye to your reputation, whore!

Miss Bitchy Whore Amy Liao

2011-04-18T02:49:00.000-07:00

You bitch, Amy Liao Yen Ching,

I thought my search was over, I thought Id let you go but til today, you still dont learn your lesson. Fine. I hope you read this and stop pretending that you dont know me or you dont know what youve done. If you want to be a prostitute, that is totally non of my business but if you want to sleep with my bf and ask him for money you can get your fucking pussy home before I tell your parents what is wrong with you. You did that twice but dont think it will happen again.

Dont think I dont know where you work, study and live now. Ill be back next month and when I come back and you pretend to be innocent again, I will make sure my lawyer sues you and puts you in jail for prostitution! I have all this evidence about you now so dont mess with me bitch! Im this close to tipping off and when I find you I will make sure you get your punishment. And no point blocking me from Jason's profile, if he wants to be a fool and still love someone as filthy as you, I dont give a shyt! This is my public declaration, this is war!

Now, GTFO!

Edei - Invisible Scar (Lyrics)

2011-04-02T22:51:00.000-07:00

This is an original song, Invisible Scar written and sung by Edei (Emma Deigman).

I couldn't find the lyrics for this song anywhere so I typed them out below according to what I hear her sing. I will make due corrections later if any part of the lyrics are wrong. You have to admit she's one talented singer/songwriter. I am totally hooked on her. Loves.

She was only young and ohhh

A pure perception of the world

Until the day her faith in love came crashing down so slow

She didn't know what she done wrong

She thought your love for her was strong

She never thought her trust in you would come crashing down

Those lies you told still haunt her soul

Even though she tries to hide what she's feeling

And you'll never know the pain and all

The things she's trying to fight till this day

Why, tell me why

Does love say goodbye

But hold on

And you don't understand even though you left her

She'll never forget you

Cause you gave her that invisible scar

Ohhhh ohhhhh

Now she's old enough to know

That things ain't always as they show

And life's not made of fairytales, no no no

And everybody passes by

She doesn't even care to try

Cause in her eyes love is no longer justified, oh no

Those lies you told still haunt her soul

Even though she tries to hide what she's feeling

And you'll never know the pain and all

The things shes trying to fight till this day

Why, tell me why

Does love say goodbye

But hold on

And you dont understand even though you left her

She'll never forget you

Cause you gave her that invisible scar

Time always goes so fast

So don't you let the moment pass

Cause you might never get the chance again

And all she wants is to be loved

To share a smile or two because

Cause you're the only man she's dreamed upon, nooo

Why, tell me why

Does love say goodbye

But hold on

And you don't understand even though you left her

She'll never forget you

Cause you gave her that invisible scar

Why, tell me why

Does love say goodbye, goodbye

But hold on

And you dont understand

She'll never forget you

Cause you gave her that invisible scar

Whoahhh ohhh

Whooahhh

Cause you gave her that invisible scar.

Melbourne Madness

2011-01-17T05:51:00.000-08:00

A380.

To the man on the other side of the world:

It's cold here in Melbourne but know that I am missing you from a distance.

Til the next call, hugs and kisses.

The Playground

2011-01-15T22:41:00.000-08:00

Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday

I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way

I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow...

-John Legend: Ordinary People

I closed my eyes to try to get some sleep but all I saw was your face and the last kiss that touched my lips. The smell of you lingers on the last shirt you wore and all the flashbacks made me shrivel up in tears. Longing for nothing but another hug, another day with you. These four walls restrain my thoughts and drown me in all the memories of us. My hearts only prayer now is that in this one week to come you will understand the meaning of your actions and that you would have changed. Around me, no one understands yet everyone speaks as if they do. What we have is between you, me and God. I share my most heartfelt feelings with you and no one else. Please make us better people.

Better yet still ordinary people.

Memories

2011-01-11T01:13:00.000-08:00

My Gelato Experience

2011-01-05T03:43:00.000-08:00

- Milan, Italy.

The problem about gelato is that, there are so many annoyingly irresistibly flavours that you can choose from. So many colours, flavours and shops to get them from.

Some people can look around, try all sorts of flavours and then settle for one. Others, cant just have one and choose a few enjoying all the flavours they like. While there are those that choose their ultimate favourite flavour, lets say "strawberry ripple", pay for it and happily walk away enjoying their gelato. But then, what happens when you suddenly decide that your favourite "strawberry ripple" doesnt taste as good as you wanted or expected it to be? Would you scoop your dirty spoon into a strangers "double chocolate mint" to taste only realizing later after youve selfishly and greedily eaten half of this strangers "double mint chocolate" that you actually want to have the rest of your own "stawberry ripple"?

Greed sometimes leaves you with nothing.

Hello Stranger

2010-12-19T22:02:00.000-08:00

These words crept into my mind the day I came back from the cinema, "I painfully recognised myself in you, Goi." Not entirely am I the same character but watching the scenes of the lead actor and actress, I felt you in your little world with her and I wept in the cold spot in the cinema. My heart is torn between trying to forgive/forget and to let go/move on. I cried because I felt like an intruder in your little love game. I cried because of the betrayal from the one I loved most. I cried because there was no love left in this world for me to hold onto. Or is there?

I cant seem to figure it out. I cant seem to draw the line where wrong is on the other side of right. I dont see myself in this picture anymore. No longer a piece of the puzzle, I feel like a spectator in someone else's story. These scenes, these painful memories, how do I get by?

Every line, another wound to my already broken heart...

Being abroad alone for a few days, you can be anyone, do anything, and the most painful part is that - she is right.

She holds his hand and pulls him across the road, I cry.

Shopping together, matching outfits, I cringe in pain.

The lies and deceit, secretly, do I play the role of the psychotic bf of hers too?

The clubs, the drinking and getting drunk, is there any conscious left in you to know what youve done?

Waking up the next day finding out that maybe, there is something more to it than just being plain friends.

Trying the local delicacies, the weird food that youd never even try with me, I tear and I fall apart.

Each and every painful scene left me crying in silence in the empty, cold cinema, with you sitting beside me, there is no solace, no comfort. Only pure disgust and sorrow.

Then it hits me, I dont want to be a part of this painful triangle anymore but how?

Everytime Im convinced that it is time to grow up and wake up to boundaries and setting them, I fall back into those eyes of yours and I try to reassure myself that it will be alright in time. So is it worth the pain? And if so, for how long? How long do I deserve to be punished like this for a crime that you committed? I see myself dying inside but it's as though Im addicted to the pain and I refuse to give it up.

Would you have done the same?

.....

I Think I Know You

2010-12-17T00:20:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met someone for this first time and though to yourself, "Hey! I know this dude!" and then only realise that he/she is not the same person that you thought he/she was. The more embarrassing part is when go ahead and tap their shoulder screaming their name out loud in public or moving in to give them your usual massive hug and then see the absurd horrified look on their face.

Ive been in that situation one time too many, so whenever I bump into people I think I know, Ill always be cautious not to get too excited and stay calm until I can confirm they are really who they were. It gets really awkward when you meet someone that looks like a friend that you already know, then there is that occasional stare of disbelief thinking if they are actually long lost brothers/sisters/twins. Not in all cases do these people look exactly the same but the similarities just make you shiver sometimes. Just to list a few:

Okay, I dont exactly know these two people very well but they were a thing of my past. I used to think they could be the same person but one is way bigger than the other and of course, Im not exactly friends with either of them. The only thing that fascinated me then were how these two people had the same role to play in my life and how they look weirdly, the same.

Here's Daniel and Boon Phin for you. At this angle they dont look entirely the same and of course pictures can be very difficult sometimes. You never look like yourself most of the time but I swear I almost flipped when I looked at Daniel's picture and though, OMG I thought that was Boon.

These arent the best pictures of Alexandra and HuiMynn but in person I couldnt quit staring at Alex because she looks so much like my friend. :)

I have so many more but I just dont have the pictures right now. The other day, I saw someone that looked like Lefa. I wish we took a picture just to show him. Anyway, getting ready for tomorrows flight now. TBC, when I find the pictures...

Lollipop

2010-12-15T03:45:00.001-08:00

Will things ever be the same again?

...

Needing something to hold onto right now. I need a peace of mind.

Strawberrilicious

2010-12-13T04:16:00.000-08:00

As Soben would say, I have myself some strawberilicious berries:

Yum yum. Just got back from Tampines Mall and got my berries for SGD5 for two boxes. Super cheap and they are one of the sweetest ones Ive had so far (except the chocolate dipped ones I had at the hotel buffet in Jakarta, those are diabetic).

So, what is in an average Wednesday evening? For me, Im not on flight, not on leave and not doing much. Matthias (the friendly guard sitting at the guardhouse) thinks that the airline is on strike thats why Im always walking in and out of my condo doing absolutely nothing but having lunches and dinners all the time. Breakfast is out of the question because I never wake up in time for it. LOL.

This reminds me of my last semester in uni. The days spent going to uni to meet with friends and have lunch/tea but never really ever going for class. I admit, Im not much of a going-to-class-to-listen-to-boring-lectures person. I just go to make myself feel less guilty of not going. Though very unproductive, they were some of the best times Ive had with friends and family. That brings me to my never ending thoughts of home.

I want to have proper roti canai in proper mamaks with teh tarik that tastes like real teh that they tarik to the max. I want to have Dahl on my Roti and not sugar. I want my ramlee burger by the roadside at 2am in the morning. I want to go to Racks/AC at 3am in the morning and know I can still have a pool table to play on. I want to go to clubs and not have to worry about taxi double charge to go home. Come to think of it, I want to drive my car to places I want to go and not have to take public transport all over town. I want my friends who will come out and lepak with me and chat with me til 5am in the morning and not worry if theyll get bored. I want my family who will take my shyt and never complain about all the stupid things I do. I want...home. Though Ive been here close to a year now, this feels nowhere like home.

Will it ever be?

Must Have Applications

2010-12-13T02:21:00.000-08:00

Iphone applications Im loving at the moment:

1. Viber (Free phone calls with wifi connection. The calls are very clear mind you, nothing like Tango or Skype)

2. Instagram (Sharing photos with friends and viewing randoms photos, I just love!)

3. Foursquare (Check in to places and let your friends know where you are)

4. HSW, How Stuff Works (Very informative and you get to read about almost everything)

5. iChangi (The best application to check flights time from Singapore Changi airport, best app for my job. Hehe)

6. Comfort Delgro Taxi Booking (Fastest taxi booking ever!)

7. Singapore Transit (The MRT route plan all in one application)

8. WhatsApp (One of the only paid applications that I have. Not that Im a cheapskate but this is the only one of the few applications I find worth paying for)

9. iBooks (Download books to read in the train, in the jam, anywhere)

10. Dishfinders (Find food, restaurants and places to eat with this amazing application)

Most of these apps actually make my life in Singapore easier to live in. Hehe. How about you? Any recommended apps?

Quotes

2010-12-02T02:38:00.000-08:00

Commitment is what transforms a promise into reality. It is the words that speak boldly of your intentions. And the actions which speak louder than the words. It is making the time when there is none. Coming through time after time after time, year after year after year. Commitment is the stuff character is made of; the power to change the face of things. It is the daily triumph of integrity over skepticism. – Abraham Lincoln

The Ghost Of The Past

2010-12-02T01:45:00.001-08:00

I thought that I could let things go and move on with my life. Thinking that everyone makes mistakes and all you have to do is be extremely and genuinely sorry for your wrongdoings to be forgiven. The thing is, an apology is nothing but a sorry and a bunch of explanations. Who then heals the brokenhearted and gives them a remedy to the pain they feel inside? Who helps them find answers to the neverending questions flipping through their minds all day? And I literally mean ALL fucking day. To forgive is one thing and to forget is an entirely different bracket of understanding altogether. I may have forgiven you for your mistakes but will I ever forget them?I can answer quite surely, NO!

I may try and try and try but trying doesn't always get you there. Just like how halls filled of people try their best to audition for American Idol and yet their hopes disappoint them no matter how hard they try. There are the lucky ones though. The ones that get in just to wait for another audition and another chance at disappointment again. And finally when you're one of the final few, the more you hope to win, the higher the chances you have of being disappointed. That's how I feel, with my hopes at stake waiting for a chance (or the right time) to be able to forgive and be happy with you again. And now that part one is clear, I sit here going through a panic attack or more like an emotional red alert situation trying to put myself on stage again.

Is it barely enough to just forgive and want to make the best of things? I have lost my willpower in finding these answers but to wait for them to come to me is causing way too much agony, crushing my self-esteem, pride/ego and heart altogether. I hate to think that my world is crumbling on me all over again having no power or control over what is about to happen. How can I step up and take control when Ive lost all my drive and direction?

This is a trying time. At times, I know I can be overly dramatic but not this time. Not to the extent that I have thought of death one time too many as an easy way out. The devil preys over my soul and watches me in joy while I suffer and cry for help. If you've ever loved someone so deep yet been hurt by that some love that you thought would protect you then you are not alone. I stand as one of the many people who have hurt and I want to one day be able to say that I have triumphed over that past and put it all behind me. I want to, but not today. Not now. Not yet.

This ghost of my past, your past, her past and our past is here haunting me. What can I do?

The Last Straw

2010-11-09T18:19:00.000-08:00

To feel this broken and hurt inside, does anything matter anymore? I thought Id have a new life, a less complicated one but all I got was the same pain and anger. Im just a very bitter person right now. Fuck off please.

Moving again

2010-11-09T05:12:00.000-08:00

Hi readers,

Im surprised I actually have a few blogwalkers dropping by to say hi. Well, if youre reading this, drop a comment so Ill know youre real. Anyway, I just moved into a friends place for the time being until I get to move into the condo. Have just come back from Delhi today with my mind running wild thinking how to pack and get things moving. Tomorrow is the day Ill be moving out of here to the condo but sad to say, Im going to miss the company of the people in this house. Rachel and Gerald have been such nice housemates/owners, its going to be another "getting used to" session at the new place. Well, most is packed and Im hiring movers to shift my stuff tomorrow. Let's hope this new place is worth the move. Til I get out of my runaway bag, see you!

To Mumbai (Bombay) And Back

2010-11-01T06:53:00.000-07:00

Am leaving India in a matter of hours. I just wanted to say,

I sat on the tuk tuk today! Haha, awesome. :)

The G.R.O.

2010-11-01T06:19:00.000-07:00

Merely a girl working at a club or bar to keep male customers company. The Guest Relations Officer who tries hard to get men to buy inflated priced "Ladies Drinks" for any form of monetary kickback. Nearly all are prostitutes who can be "Bar Fined" and taken from the bar for a short time for all night sex with invitations to follow them home. In most cases, all fall under the auspices of the "Maddam" and live at the bar or assume pity from bar customers by telling lonely "Breakup" stories and pour out sad relationship problems to customers.

That's why we cant be friends, get it?

Dumb bitch.

So, Maybe?

2010-11-01T04:26:00.000-07:00

Maybe it could be the same again, maybe not?

Nate, "You either forgive me and we move on or we end it".

How does that sound?

xoxo?

C(OPEN)HAGEN, Open For You.

2010-10-21T09:01:00.000-07:00

Copenhagen, Denmark is where were at right now. :)

It's a beautiful view outside, the local temperature is -1degrees C outside. To be sitting here inside my hotel room, Im thankful to that one person who invented the heater. Heh :) Came here with plans in mind. Plans to meet up with SueZan here. I havent seen her in like 6 years now and she's here staying with her oh so cute Danish boyfriend. Im happy for her and hope she's found love here.

Although I hate the cold here and the food aint that fantastic, the view is amazing and I love that its autumn now so you get to see the naked trees decorating the streets outside. SZ told me that you havent visited Copenhagen until youve been to Tivoli. Apparantly its a must do here: to go to the theme park and have danish pastry. I tried the latter, didnt have time to go to the theme park since I slept in the entire day I landed til today. I was super jetlagged and exhausted from the 12 and a half hour flight here. At least we managed to skim past Tivoli with lots of camwhoring done!

Danish Pastry :)

XOXO,

We enjoyed the view from inside the room, walked around town for abit and came back from the cold all tired. (I wasnt trying to jump, I swear).

I love how happy she is all the time and it rubs onto me. Its been so long since Ive had good times with old friends. It was awesome. :)

I would have updated with a longer post but I forgot to bring my mouse and its a pain to upload pictures without it and Ive got to report for flight tomorrow. Nevertheless, it was an awesome trip and cant wait to come back again soon. Finally, a final picture to depict the view just before sunset:

Til I come back, Ill be missing you girl. Singapore, Ill be back tomorrow to settle you! Goodnight all. :)

We're going to Copenhagen, Denmark. TONIGHT!

2010-10-20T05:09:00.000-07:00

Haha, beats me. Its so ironic how everytime before my flight Ill find out I have a friend to the same destination Im going to. So Ive packed my Milo to bring along to meet SueZan and make her feel more at home there. Will continue the post when I arrive because Ive gotta get ready for flight now. Hehe. This has gotta be funnnn!

On another note, its four days til my Sayang is back from Taiwan and we'll be back together again. :) I like!

Its about time we get to celebrate our one year anniversary! Loveeeeeesss. xoxo

Congratulations! Im a proud sister!

2010-10-19T21:28:00.000-07:00

Dear brother of mine,

You have made me proud. That signifies the last of us. The three siblings have graduated from our degrees. My parents must be relieved. Until we decide to embark on the next suffering course of study, I shall go on with the peace of mind that we are exam free now.

While most of the family members came down to Singapore to be here for the graduation not all of them had to chance to witness the ceremony. I did though! Hehe. :) Watching him take his scroll made me think of my next take in life. If I had stayed in KL and decided to continue my masters course would I have been happier than I am here?

With all the travelling my job allows me to do, I see the bigger picture. The smaller things that make me appreciate the people around me more. My family, my friends and loved ones. How can I live without them.

All the best in job hunting now there. Ill be missing you guys from here. With love. xoxo.

Routine

2010-10-18T23:03:00.001-07:00

Back in the cab on the way to the airport. The cycle is repeating again, only this time I'm in some kind of emotional turmoil. My mind won't think straight and I'm all messed up inside, but I can't allow it to get to me. Ive got to put on that bright red lipstick and continue my day with that big smile on my face. It rained heavily today with thunder and lighting just like how heavy hearted Im feeling inside with all this emotions pouring my eyes. All rainstorms will come to an end. I'm waiting for my sunny day. These are the unheard rants and cries of the girl with the bright red lipstick. Til I'm back again, have a sunny happy day readers! Much love. Xoxo

365 days makes a year

2010-10-18T19:20:00.001-07:00

All the good and bad times that we roughed out,

You stood by me hand in hand without a doubt.

All those memories of us that we shared,

Each heartbeat and footstep we both paired.

While rainstorms and thunder shook our stand,

You never let go of this same hand.

A year has come and a year has passed,

Every experience made to last.

Thinking back on that day last year,

It always brings my eyes to tears.

We've journeyed long and travelled far,

Remember the day I lost my car?

I used to work nine to five at that old bank,

Each time I went to work, my heart sank.

You gave me courage and supported me,

To be the flight attendant I wanted to be.

Now I'm here flying all around the globe,

And you wait for me, you never probe.

I'm glad I met you and I'm glad you're real,

Because this is as strong as my heart will ever feel.

Even though you're now I'm Taiwan,

The longest and furthest distance for you I'd run.

I'm packing my bags all ready for Copenhagen,

This distance and wait is all I'm hating.

But soon enough well both be home,

No more long nights clinging onto the phone.

I love you sayang, you know I always will.

I'll see you soon but I miss you still.

It's lonely here,

Quickly come home my dear.

I miss you, I love you.

Happy 1st year anniversary!

If youre happy and you know it clap your hands

2010-10-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

I didnt clap. Did you?

Random

2010-10-04T15:26:00.000-07:00

WOW,

Three fucking lines and a song. :)

"wont you believe it its just my luck"

"no recess"

"youre in highschool again"

Yeah Baby!

2010-10-04T07:43:00.000-07:00

Expectations

2010-09-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you feel that you deserve more when in fact you don't.

Sometimes you wish you had more when you've been given more than you need.

Sometimes life is just never good enough for you while you fail to realize that so many others lives are much worse than yours.

All this additional attention and extra requests are your expectations and not what will definitely be yours. And so you keep on expecting for more and keep waiting for something better to come up. You're a spoilt little girl. You need to grow up and stop wanting more than you should get.

Why do people have so many expectations?

Expectations on themselves, on others and on what life has to offer them.

So much to expect and much more to be expected of them. Sigh. Take one step at a time girl, you're not making any sense anymore. :/

Endless Homesick Feeling

2010-09-25T02:54:00.000-07:00

This is the view outside my hotel room here in Johannesburg, South Africa. I know its a beautiful site outside but I've been stuck in this hotel room for a few days already now. How I wish home was just the next flight away.

Missed my shuttle to Cape town yesterday. Reason being, I fell sick here on the first day. It was awful. Gastric flu they call it and that gave me a few full days alone in this empty hotel room. I always think of all the reasons I gave up my life back home to be on an endless "tour of the world". Little did I know that Id be missing home so much more than I thought I would.

Its one of those "it'd be awesome to be you!" replies that I get when people ask where I'm at right now. Not so awesome when there are riots and strikes going on outside and you're too scared to even leave your hotel room. Sigh. I've been online these past few days trying to get my mind off this homesickness that is haunting me.

I dream of being home, I dream of being in my own little comfort zone.

I guess life is like that. You get what you want only to figure out that maybe its not really what you want. But if it wasn't this, it could be something worse, no? My mind is constantly drifting off to the memories I have of home and I can't help but tear everytime I think of the people and loved ones back home.

I miss the feeling of having someone, anyone that would sit with me in a mamak or pub in the middle of the night, drinking, talking, reminiscing of the good old days. I miss being able to plan for long holidays or trips without any uncertainty as to where I'd be on each calender marking. I miss hanging out with friends everytime there is a birthday party knowing that its been another year that we've celebrated together. I miss knowing that no matter what happens, I can run back home to my family and close ones to make everything better again.

Just a border away but the timing just makes going home so difficult. I wish someone knew how it felt to feel so empty. I wish you knew. :(

Her Mr., His Mrs.

2010-09-17T12:22:00.000-07:00

She thought that true happiness was to be forged from someone elses life,
She forgot how genuine laughter could bring so much joy,
She doesn't remember the last time feeling so content in life.

She came across her "Mr."
And he was the right one for her.

He made the distance of a hundred miles feel closer than a heartbeat away,
He drew her into a perfect picture and made her the queen of his dreams,
He gave her all she's ever wanted and never denied her requests.

He chose his "Mrs."
And she was the right one for him.

One day short of 11 months. How can I love you any less Sayang? xoxo

Red Lobster

2010-09-17T11:44:00.001-07:00

I just miss the way you turn into a red lobster when you drink. I cant wait to leave Milan and see you back in Singapore. This whole pasta/pizza spree is disgusting. :(

LOL

2010-09-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

HAHA. AirAsia is a budget airline, obviously Im not there.

The Cycle

2010-09-16T11:49:00.000-07:00

Pack bags,
Report for flight to destination,
Land at destination,
Shop,
Eat,
Tour,
Pack bags,
Report for flight back to base.

Off day,
Cycle repeats itself.

I guess work is work regardless of where you are and what you do, there somehow is a degree of repetition. At least Im in a different country every time, be grateful you little whiner. :p

Come to think about it, my job is kinda awesome. (:

Milan @ 1am local time

2010-09-15T14:37:00.000-07:00

I thought I wanted to write a super duper long blog post since Im bored in the hotel in Milan and I have a few more days to be here. Someone shoot me already, Im so tired but Im restless at the same time. Does that even make sense? =.= Who cares? Ive been awake the entire flight until now which makes like almost 2 full days without sleep? 48hours, NO SLEEP? So forgive my non-making-senseness.

Well, so how does it feel like being in Italy now? Firstly, I left my SD card in Sayang's laptop back in Singapore so no photo taking for me = annoyed. Im bored, cold and homesick. So yeah.

Luckily for me we went shopping. As the saying goes, when in Rome do what the Romans do. I say, when in Milan, buy what the Italians/Europeans buy. Haha, so yes, the LV shopping was a-ma-zing! :p

Dont blame me, Louis Vuitton is just so yum yum. :)

No more buying stuff for the rest of the month after this, please remind me to be good (for awhile at least). Ill try to sleep now so that I can go for my buffet breakfast tomorrow. I need my breakkie to wake me up tomorrow. Goodnight lonely world, cant wait to go back to Singapore, I hate the cold here. :/

Fuck-tard: just like a bastard, but worse.

2010-09-13T02:04:00.000-07:00

Some people just need to get a life. Yes YOU, I bet you know who you are.

Trying to befriend my brother and telling lies right to his face isnt going to help justify your bad shyt and all the fucked up shyt you put me through as well. So, FUCK OFF. Dont try to deceive my family members just cause I have to live overseas away from them and I cant be there to protect them all the time.

Stupid asshole, go put your head somewhere up your nerdhole and get the fuck away from the people that I care about. You obviously are only trying to make your tarnished reputation and image less ugly. You know what? Ill make it easy for you, how about a public announcement on how you actually weren't the ignorant, egoistic bastard that you really are? Im sure its another reason to cover up. Well, fuck you. Because til this day you still are that fucktard just that youre a little more fucked up now.

And you and your drug-hooked companions can go suck my cock. Yes, I can be nice but I can be a fucktard just like YOU when I have to deal with barbaric dumbasses of your kind. Dont go around telling people how they should not smoke or club or go out when you go around doing more shyt than anyone else can possibly even think of.

Quit faking your nerd boy look to cover up that you're actually a druggie and you have noone to care about you so you need to go fuck prostitutes. Plus, stop thinking you're a saint and stop trying so hard to look like one you stupid wannabe. You want to lecture someone go talk to your little sister on why she should quit smoking and not go kepoh everyone elses business. Even I didnt give a shyt what your sister wants to do, so fuck off and leave my brother alone.

I wouldve left you and your shameless acts alone if you had never tried to brainwash my family to think that you were the poor soul that was victimized and that I found someone better so I dumped you. But anyways, fuck you because the second half is true. I found myself being so much better just by being away from you so I left. Get it? Whatever happened after that is not any of your concern.

To top it off, with a nice message in a civilized manner and tone, I texted you for a favour and you wanna gimme shyt for it, well, you know what? The people that you try to befriend are MY people and they obviously care about ME, not YOU so they think youre a pathetic loser and that you should get the fuck out of this world cause your existence is pointless. And if your so brave and heroic then get the fucking message across directly, no need to twist and turn you dumbfuck.

Oh and its not like I even give a shyt on your updates, its just that people feed me with info when they cant take losers trying to make a pointless stand in life. I for one, KNOW for a fact that youd read this so its as direct as a FUCK YOU, IN YOUR FACE message.

Now, fuck yourself you disgusting ovrgrown brat. Go home and cry to mommy since your such a pussy and get the fuck away from my family members and friends. You remind me of every single reason why I just hate you so much, no wait, correction.., you give me every reason to hate you even more.

Oh btw, FUCK OFF MY PAGE NOW!

The Typical Insecure Possesive Chinese Girlfriend

2010-09-02T04:39:00.000-07:00

Yeap, thats me if that's how youd like to quote it.

First time Ive come across such a harsh label tagged on me, what more from someone so close to me. To see myself change so much for the one I love, I hardly can figure out who I am anymore. Maybe its time that I rediscover myself and not the image that everyone else sees that I should be. Who in their right mind should agree that girlfriends must know how to cook, wash, clean, iron, etc etc.? I dont do that and I probably never will know how to do all that. But honestly, if you wanted a maid, you shouldve hired one.

That is pure sexism and to me its totally unfair. Maybe a century ago where men all go to war and then work to put bread on the table, where woman had no fair chance of education or human rights, where men had every right to display their chauvinistic egoistic side and women were forced to swallow that kind of attitude, I could possibly see the linkage. But NOW? Its a new era, a different society and both genders should have their fair share of equality and freedom of speech.

Whats my problem now? WELL, bascially, I just dont think that caring for your boyfriend is any a big deal. How does it equate to being insecure and possesive. And how is that a typical CHINESE GIRLFRIEND thing? Illogical and once again, whats the linkage?

Having come up with such a speech doesnt give you a right to make judgements and the tension doesnt just dissolve with a simple "I didnt mean it that way". I dont mean any harm in what I say, Im just so disappointed that it goes beyond a thought that maybe I just care a little too much and telling me that wouldnt hurt as much as uncalled for labelings.

These days its just so hard to be the perfect girlfriend and no matter what, I never was and never will be perfect. Give me credit for trying at least. If I could revert to being the cold, detached and ignorant person that I used to be then maybe thered be more appreciation in the things that I try to do rather than being thought of as being possesive.

Sometimes, I think that Im just trying too hard.

Thats always the problem, you either try to hard or youre said to be not trying at all...

Staind

2010-08-11T06:00:00.000-07:00

This is my life
Its not what it was before
All these feelings I’ve shared
And these are my dreams
That I’d never lived before
Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)
Now that we're here,
It's so far away
All the struggle we thought was in vain
All the mistakes,
One life contained
They all finally start to go away
Now that we're here its so far away
And I feel like I can face the day
I can forgive and I’m not ashamed to be the person that I am today

These are my words
That I’ve never said before
I think I’m doing ok
And this is the smile
That I’ve never shown before

Somebody shake me
Cause I, I must be sleeping

(chorus)

I'm so afraid of waking
Please don't shake me
Afraid of waking
Please don't shake me

(chorus)

Still You

2010-07-09T22:22:00.000-07:00

So much has changed, yet nothing has changed when I think about the way I feel for you. Youre just as amazing if not, just much more! Its so different now that youre a working man, now that youve got more commitments and now that your responsibility and burdens have increased. Youve changed to become so much better than Ive known you for and I fall in love with you over and over again.

Thank you Sayang, I love you. :)

Generation 2010

2010-07-05T20:37:00.001-07:00

Technology has come such a long way. From huge ass walkie talkie handphones to Iphones that you can blog from. There's so much to update and so much to say but I'll wait for the right time. Til the next post, I'll be keeping my eyes on YOU!

Fast Forward, REWIND.

2010-06-10T03:23:00.000-07:00

It seems as though the past few months played in fast forward mode until it came to a pause and someone hit the play button to get things back to the correct time frame. At present, I still feel that every detail is fast moving while I trying my hardest to push further and faster. Breaking away from work at OCBC was one of the best decisions I made by far. I admit that I learnt alot there, met awesome colleagues (that I miss dearly) and gained useful knowledge (bank-wise), but fact is, no one wants to sit behind a desk working in a bank for the rest of their lives. (At least not me). For that, Im glad I made up my mind to come to Singapore.

To be honest, the first few weeks here were difficult. I recall the sleepless nights in the hotel room with my batch-mate. Starting a new job or should I say, starting a new lifestyle here was overwhelmingly difficult. Dont know if it makes any sense to anyone else but I was exploding with excitement for what was to come next and at the same time, I kept reminding myself of family and friends back home and of course the comfort of being able to drive myself anywhere at anytime of the day/night back home in KL. I dreaded the feeling of regret and extreme homesickness. That was a first time for me.

Being here for almost three months now and completing the first part of why I came here, Im relieved but am also very anxious about how the first few flights will be like. Instead of thinking ahead, Im going to hit the "rewind" button and go back to the few months when I was deprived of internet connection. :)

...to be continued...

Updates!

2010-05-19T07:54:00.000-07:00

Hello there poor abandoned blog. Training has been a heavy shytload on me so do forgive my absence. Exams tomorrow so its another few days before I can be back on the internet again. Til then, Ive missed the convenience of wireless internet at home. I loike!

To Singapore!

2010-03-31T22:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Shayang,

Since you'll be coming over to SG tomorrow, I shall list down the stuff you need to bring since I have a PC now. To get to the hotel, you can take the MRT to Orchard and find the bus stop that has the bus number 36 stopping there. Take the bus to Marine Parade area where you can see at Citibank opposite the hotel. There is a shopping mall behind called Parkway Parade. Call me when you reach the hotel lobby and then Ill come with my overflowing hugs and kisses.

Please bring:

1. My laptop (Urgent) to read the CD.
2. My fleece blanket because Im having a hard time sleeping.
3. A few T-shirts that I can sleep in.
4. My lil Shampu
5. Measuring tape for the room

That's all I can remember right now. Will call you again later when I have the time.

Dear Readers (if there are any left),

Sorry for not updating, have no internet connection. Will upload the stuff that I saved on my laptop later when I move to my new place. Lots of hugs and kisses.

ROAR.

Fuji Instax Mini 7 in White

2010-03-21T10:54:00.000-07:00

You're going to be mine soon. Nyum Nyum. :)

Carlsberg + Mentos = ?

2010-03-17T05:02:00.000-07:00

We all know what happens to Coke + Mentos. Check out what happens to Carlsberg + Mentos. :)

Random Photo from Sayang's Phone. :)

2010-03-14T23:40:00.000-07:00

Axian Dim Sum

2010-03-14T09:22:00.000-07:00

Monday morning, waking up to the smell of coffee, NOT. Woke up and felt like having tosai/roti canai at the mamak. Went out to collect laundry at USJ9 with sayang and was heading to the Tanjung mamak or what they call Patio @ 9 now.

On the way there, we passed by the Dim Sum shop that we had anxiously been waiting for to open since forever. We were expecting them to open after I moved down to Singapore BUT when we passed by the shop, it was already open for business! We had to forgo our mamak cravings and try out the Axian Dim Sum shop at least once before I left KL.

Forgive me for the super lousy quality pictures, I left my cammie at home and my handphone had no more memory space to take any pictures so I had to use sayangs phone. The experience there was just SO DAMN "overwhelming", I had to rush home to write about it. Took the effort to slowly bluetooth all the pictures from his handphone to my laptop. :)

We walked in, asked for a table for two. The waiter brought us to this tiny little table. If I put on any more weight, I think I could occupy the whole table on my own. LOL. What fascinated me was that the plates and cutlery were all wrapped up in plastic while they were laid out on the table. If you look closely, you notice that it is wrapped and labelled after this cutlery cleansing and disinfecting company which to me seemed like quite a good idea to ensure the cleanliness. The stupid thing was, the plastic was so thick and difficult to open that it irritated me and made me wonder how badly they are affecting global warming. Moving on, the waitress that serve us was pretty interesting since she obviously was a foreigner but it appeared to me that she either memorized the entire menu or she just speaks cantonese in a less than fluent manner.

We asked for Iced Chinese Tea x 2 and Chee Cheong Fun (Prawn) which never arrived. =.=
The other items were served for choice on the tray as per normal dim sum shops. The food, honestly, tasted horrible and was cold and I had to ask for a new tray of steamed Har Kau since the once they served us was so cold, I thought they just took it out from the fridge and put it on the tray. The staff there, were so mismanaged, supervisor was screaming at the top of his lungs at everyone, tea was spilt all over the floor (where they used a broom instead of a mop to clean it up) and all the orders never arrived or were wrongly served to different tables. Such a horrible experience.

Even the billing service damn phail. We had four plates and two chinese tea. At the cashier counter they billed us for three plates and a pot of tea. The cashier told me it was RM17.60 which I suppose is a reasonable price for what we had. I gave him RM20 in which he returned me a change of RM6.25. Then when I looked at him weird, he told me he gave a discount. OMG, even the cashier cant count and obviously he keyed in the two chinese teas and the extra change was for the overcharging for the pot of tea. Oh yes, the waitress must have forgotten to charge us for the fourth plates as well. =.=

I kept the receipt trying to figure out why they had table 3.5. That must explain the small table he gave us (it was only half a table?). Checked out the website that they claim to have on the back of the receipt only to find that the pictures and what we had in real life was so different.

Picture: Credits to their so called website: www(dot)axian(dot)my. At least that is how good they claim their food to look.

What we really got: (And mind you, it's not even the quality of the picture. The food was just terrible.) This fried prawn thing they served was 90% flour and I could hardly taste any prawn. The fishballs tasted like fishy-smelling rubber bands tied up into balls.

The Har Kau tasted equally as bad as it looked. Check out the conparison in the pictures. Seriously, the standard of good tasting food at this shop was at a complete zero. I thought it was alright if one dish didn't taste as good since it's not easy to have everything in the shop tasting good BUT not one thing that I put in my mouth tasted edible. Thank goodness they forgot our order for the Chee Cheong Fun, I wasn'nt even waiting to find out how it tastes.

The yam thing that sayang took was crumbly and urgh. I just didn't like it at all. The Siew Mai also NEVER ARRIVED after asking for it like twice.

I suppose, not only is the food sucky, the service is equally as bad. So much for all the hype on the opening of such a pretty looking shop. Thinking of trying the branch in Puchong? Think twice guys. I would have been so much happier having my mamak breakfast. :(

To make up for the disappointing morning, sayang and I have decided to make a drive up to Genting now for a walk-see and maybe a good cup of Starbucks in the nice cold breeze.

Anyone? :)

Hocus Pocus

2010-03-13T23:25:00.000-08:00

Lady Gaga has finally proved her sexuality. All you Gaga haters out there, she obviously has no di*k and she is by far one of the weirdest but awesomest, man-looking woman out there. Haha, very random, I know. Once you kill the cow, you gotta make the burger! :)

Well, it's another lazy Sunday, the sun is freaking hot. If I were a Popsicle, I'd stay home to avoid from melting. The leather seats in my car almost burnt a hole on my ass. I'm bored.
Some people are just plain bored, others are just plain boring. I hope I'm not starting to lean towards the latter. The older I get, the more the world slows down.
Attended my elder brother's convocation today. Boy, you make me proud! ^^ Got home and realized, I have less than two weeks here before I go off. There is so much I want to do but I'm taking my own sweet time, going at a very very slow pace. I should be ashamed of myself. LOL.
I'm too sleepy to write anymore. Had to get up at 7am to get home for my brother's sake and drive the family around just because my car is the latest addition to the family. ISH. My younger brother is back from US. His never-ending stories of life there is absolutely fascinating and his obsession with his Brazilian friend and Boston is getting me all jumpy about starting work. I can't wait to travel the world, take lotsa nice pictures, try loads of crazy yummy food and come home as round as can be. :)
Time to get back to reality. Boink.

Another Reason Why You're So Adorable

2010-03-10T05:40:00.000-08:00

The other day I was talking to my sayang about I-cant-remember-what but I know that he was being so pissy since he had to make a fuss over every little thing so I hurled a small statement at him:

"You damn LOA lah".

He asked me, "What is LOA?"

I said, "Lack of Attention".

****************************

Today, we were supposed to clean up his messy lil room but I gave every reason/excuse not to.

He said, "Baby, you so FON lah".

"What's FON sayang?"

He replies me, "Full of Nonsense".

=.=

MuchenTuchen

2010-03-06T06:16:00.000-08:00

Had Mcd's for dinner since it started raining and I had to be online til 11pm. Sad, I know.
What do you do when you see a bottle of JD and a cup of coke side by side?

*
*
*
*
*
*
Id say, mix em up and gulp it all the way! Yumm. :)

I must be very bored. LOL

DOTA

2010-03-05T07:56:00.001-08:00

I cant quite seem to understand what it is with boys and their online games. I am BORED. Entertain me please.

The Career Path

2010-03-05T06:46:00.000-08:00

I'm back from Singapore, well, still in JB at the moment. Singapore was more or less what I expected it to be; busy little nation with a bunch of "not-alloweds" and "cannot-dos". Travel-wise, it has a little more to offer than Malaysia with the many entertainment spots but the food, certainly can not be compared to yummylicious Malaysian food. The whole idea of moving to Singapore and staying there permanently on my own for work purposes is still very new to me and slowly but surely, it's taking a toll on me.

I'm frightened to think that I have to leave friends and family for the sake of a job. On top of that, I already had a bank job that paid me quite decently but I had to screw that up and so hastily and thoughtlessly take up this job. I guess I never really put much thought into it, but because everyone (even my parents) thought it was a fantastic opportunity, so I tumbled over my rationale and just jumped at it. Imagine, 1200+ applicants and they only took in 40+ people during the interview. How could I just say no?

Pros and cons. Pros, I thought that this job would give me more exposure and character since I'd get to travel around the world and meet all sorts of people. Downside is that I will be forced to leave my comfort zone and the people in my circle of trusted ones. I doubt I can weigh out which one it leans towards but this definitely wasn't what I imagined myself to be doing.

After graduation, life slowed down. Parents were more lenient, I gradually gained my freedom. Stayed out (literally moved out) bought my own car, thought of buying my own place to stay and pictured myself as an independent being. That is where I was wrong. The longer I was away from home, the more attached I felt to my family. Those days when I had my early curfew and even going clubbing was such a hassle, I couldn't wait to grow up and be on my own. Now, I understand the feeling of missing home and being around family.

This decision I've made, I cannot turn back, but I will make the best of it. The job, I doubt is what they say it is; glamorous. To be able to fly with this airline I think is a great opportunity but really, at the end of the day, you are still just serving people. Here's to the journey ahead. Four months of training then I shall be the judge of my own decision. I hope I enjoy the ride. :)

Hop along with me and keep in touch my loved ones!

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. My sayang, Goh Fu Chao, please know that I have you in my heart always. I'll be missing you from a distance.

Cheers.

Unbreakable

2010-02-15T08:11:00.000-08:00

Not the relationship.
Not the distance.
Not even the hugs and kisses.

Not the memories.
Not the time we spent together.
Not the physical features.

Not the friends we share.
Not the things weve done.
Not any of these things.

Only one thing Im certain, its my love for you, simply, truly, desperately unbreakable.

Breaking Point

2010-02-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

I wish I could give you the assurance that Im different.
I try hard to prove to you that Im not anything like your past.
I strive to show you how much I can give you and what we can be together.

But is it enough? Is it ever going to be enough for you?

Im hurting inside to think, that maybe, just maybe, nothing is permanent.

Maybe, youre just playing along with me.
Maybe, Im just another passerby to you.
Maybe, Im just falling apart to think of losing you.

This is where my heart collides with my minds direction.
The feeling of losing you, is the worst feeling imaginable.
I cant do that, but I cant bear to see you slowly walk away.

Dont leave my love.
I love you more than you can ever imagine.

After all, it was just a question...

Our Lullaby For Tonight. LOL

2010-01-30T06:49:00.001-08:00

My Sayang, FuChao. :)

2010-01-30T06:35:00.000-08:00

Hi there sayang.

Today I found out that youre famous, you have a place named after you.

Wait, you were named after the place.

Nevertheless, you have a cool name baby.

Hehe, dont be mad. I just got bored. I heart yew Baby. :)

Stinks

2010-01-29T07:26:00.000-08:00

I is heart you vewy vewy muchhhhhhhhhh. Argh. Hug Hug Hug. :)

21 Again

2010-01-24T14:33:00.000-08:00

I called my mum last night.

Me: "Miee, my birthday is right around the corner, Im so excited!"
Mummy: "Awww, really? My lil girl is going to turn 21, sweet."

Im turning 23 lah, 21 was two years ago.

=.=

Fear of Knowing the Unknown

2010-01-12T17:34:00.001-08:00

Some things are best left unknown.

It sucks to be so prone to curiousity.
Its even more difficult when you already know but cant seem to get it out of your head.

Who asked you to be such a dimwit and do what you should not have been doing.
What a waste of time. =.=

I quit sulking over minor issues now. If it doesn't break my heart enough, Ill save my tears for another day. (Do not take into count all those damn movies that move your heart). In so many ways I feel like I'm growing older.

Random facts about me that I miss:

-I used to read the dictionary when I had nothing better to do.
-I studied French for over fours years and have contributed to a waste in intellectual property contributed by the teacher since I hardly remember a thing.
-Being called a "Kiwi-girl" for staying in New Zealand for a good ten years, it gave me a sense of belonging.
-I always thought that I was invincible.

All that is the past now.

You tell me you've changed so much ever since you've met me. Speaking of change, this whole working environment, is still so new and unfamiliar to me. Slowly starting to feel that I'm not quite cut out for it, like how you'd put it.

Maybe if we just bummed around together for abit, we'd learn to appreciate how good it is to actually have a job. Stinks, you never fail to amuse me. Yesterday was the best, I cant wait to upload candid pics of you all over. Love you, I do. :D

Just Because

2010-01-12T16:31:00.000-08:00

Just because she's the White Witch, that doesn't make you the Prince of Narnia.

People make mistakes, its only human to be less than perfect. I dont understand how I can be such a bitch about everyone who steps on my foot but at the same time, I am in fact, very alike them in so many ways. Hypocrisy, urgh, not very much to my liking but Ill put up with it. Its not even like I want to complain, it somehow just trickles out of my mouth and in speech, it never sounds as bad as it does in writing.

Anyhow, to whomever it may concern, I did not intentionally bitch about you in front of the whole entire world just to make you sound like the bitch you actually are. Sigh, some things are just meant to be discovered on one's own self worth.

Whining and bitching aside, Im on block leave for two weeks and its only the third day but I am already so bored I can feel cobwebs evolving from my head. Dont ask me exactly why I get a two week long PAID break from work for doing nothing. All I know is that, working in a bank, you get audited to check for fraudulent misbehavior. Well, as long as they pay me, Im more than happy to sleep in and do my own things this two weeks.

So, all the plans I had for this two week long holiday have diminished, not quite certain whether it was over time or just due to my habit of procrastinating. I only came to realize that now I dont have sufficient time to initiate the plans I had. I suck at making plans lah. Damnit.

I sit here, watching the early sun rise, only waiting for the evening to come so I can see those calming eyes of yours meeting mine again. When these tired eyes fail to show you empathy and demand for so much more of your attention, this heart breaks seeing you fade away. I want to remember what it feels like again to be less dependent, to be less demanding and to be less insecure. The conversation we had that day which left me in tears somehow still takes up abit of my memory capacity and the vulnerable side of me becomes more visible. You tell me you're just scared. So am I. Id give you my heart once again and start this journey all over with you, only if you would promise me that we'd take this path together this time. Would it be any different? See past the hurt and sorrow the past has scarred us with, my love and walk with me so I can see that heart of yours which shines brighter than diamonds.

p/s: You know how I love my shiny shiny bling right sayang? :).

So, here's to us. Here's to starting all over again. Sending my love your way. xoxo.

Anything I'm Not

2010-01-07T18:47:00.001-08:00

I will never be, I will never be tall, no
And I will never be, never ever be sure of it all
Oh, why is the world so cruel to me
When all, all I ever want to be is anything I'm not

Gimme a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
Anything I'm not
I'm not

I will never be, I will never be you, no
I will always be, I will always be me, that I know
But oh, even though I'm happy being me
I want to get away from all this harsh reality, oh

Gimme a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
Anything I'm not

Yeah, gimme a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Oh, anything I'm not

Gimme a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
Anything I'm not

Yeah, gimme a break, a little escape
I am so tired of being me
I wanna be free, I wanna be new and different
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not
Anything I'm not

Is It Any Different?

2009-12-30T08:10:00.000-08:00

This kiss, so passionate and sweet.
This hug, so strong and warm.
This memory, such a distant feeling.

How is it any different?

I <3 you.

Nightful of Nightmares

2009-12-28T08:33:00.000-08:00

I rolled around in bed for a couple of hours and I cried to myself thinking how I dislike this job so much and how I wish I went back to Monash and finished my Masters. I try to think how this will make me tougher but it only gives me nightmares at night and I hardly get any sleep. Im tired, damnit, Im exhausted but I cant sleep. Maybe I shall get some sleeping pills to help with the misery of having sleepless nights. I need to sleep. Im so drained. Im so so tired. I dont know whats up with me. I cough til I feel like Im going to cough my lungs out. My throat is so sore it feels like its going to ooze blood any minute and I have this constant headache where this ringing sound wont leave me in peace. This is depressing. I need a long long long holiday where I can getaway and think of what I really want to do. At least I know now, this is definately not what I want. I want to go away so badly. Complaning is overrated but Im not even trying to complain. It somehow just edges off my bad side and makes me sound like a brat who cant handle a lil bit of stress. Honestly, if so many things didnt happen all at once, I wouldnt feel so depressed. But everything had to take its chance at one shot and put me in this mood. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could be free again. I wish for so many things. What happened to ask and it shall be given? I ask and ask and ask again, and still I wait for an answer. This silent cry is when my heart breaks where emotionally, mentally and physically, I slowly fall apart. I want my life back...

Year End Emotions

2009-12-28T08:00:00.000-08:00

Basically, as of current, I feel that Ive become someone that Ive always dreaded becoming, doing things that I know dont make me happy and living the kind of life I never wanted to live. I hate my current lifestyle, the inactivity and the boring working routine that Im tied down to. What has happened to the Eleen I remember? She has now become such a vague memory.

Lets pick up the pace and move towards a better new year.

Dear God,
After disappearing from church for so long, at times I feel that Youve abandoned me. At times, I feel that Im all alone in this big big world. And many times, I feel like giving up on everything, but one thing I remember since the days I used to worship You thrice a week in church is that You work in Your own ways for my good. I still believe that yet at many times I fail to commit to that belief. I no longer want to question why all these misfortunate events seem to be tailing me because I want to try to believe that You are paving the way for a better me. A simple prayer and an even simpler request: Help me become a better person for this new year.
Amen.

Have a little faith in me

2009-12-22T20:07:00.001-08:00

When the road gets dark
And you can no longer see
Just let my love throw a spark, baby
Have a little faith in me

When the tears you cry
Are all you can believe
Just give these loving arms a try, baby
Have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

When your secret heart
Cannot speak so easily
Come here darlin'
From a whisper start
To have a little faith in me

When your back's against the wall
Just turn around, you will see
I will catch ya, I will catch your fall
Just have a little faith in me

Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me
Have a little faith in me

Well, I've been loving you for such a long, long time baby
Expecting nothing in return
Just for you to have a little faith in me
You see time, time is our friend for you and me
Cause for us there is no end
All you gotta do is have a little faith in me
I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up
Your strength gives me enough
So have a little faith in me
Hey baby, oh, baby
All ya gotta do is have a little faith in me
All ya gotta do is have a little faith in me
A little faith in me

The Transition: Three and a Half Hours

2009-12-21T15:17:00.000-08:00

This whole idea of change frightens me as I watch us fall prey to the evil one called distance. You living your life, I living mine. That is the tragedy reality tries to slap onto our faces. I refuse to allow for this, I refuse to give in. Three and a half hours is all we get but this very short period of time spells out every second my heart tries to keep in beat with yours, it rings how much I love you and it reminds me of how much you mean to me. I try harder every minute to make the best of what we have and I pray that God will give me that much more courage to take the next step. The past few days may have been the worse weve been through yet, at the same time, the most meaningful. Waking up to that letter put the biggest smile on my face and whatever happened the night before, washed itself away from my memory. You are so precious to me Sayang. I dont know what Id do without you. Just waiting for the next three and a half hours we are about to share. I <3 you. Kisses.

Sundaes

2009-12-12T21:00:00.000-08:00

I love Sundays. They make the long fucked up week less fucked up. I woke up at 12 pm today with a smile on my face and a contented feeling of sleep yang cukup. Haha. This feeling I <3. Why cant everyday be a Sunday? Let's make the best of today.

Lalala.

The Ending Phase

2009-12-12T10:46:00.000-08:00

It just somehow struck me that 2009 is slowly coming to an end and most of the things I said Id achieve by this year never came about. In a way, it makes me feel that I need to work much harder for next year yet at the same time, I find myself disappointed at the lack of commitment and perseverance I have practiced throught 2009.

This isnt another 2010 new year resolution blog as everyone would tag it to be. I think its more of a personal reflection for me. To be honest, I feel that year 2009 was quite a fucked up one, simply because of all the misfortunes that happened to prolong throughout the year. If I were to list each and every incident down, I think the list would be as long as my Christmas wish-list.

At times, I ponder on the good things and try to be grateful for what Ive been blessed with so far, however, one more glance at the overall picture and I realize how many unexpected happenings have screwed up my year.

Just a simple summary of why I think I had a bad year:

-The day after my birthday, I find out about a death of a friend.
-Months later, another friend's father passed away.
-Been hospitalized twice for different unexpected reasons.
-Fainted countless times for various unexplainable reasons as well resulting in blood test and a gazillion pills being forced down my throat.
-Came up with this random allergy rash that lasted a week where my legs were as swollen as an elephant's.
-Doctor wrongly prescribed my medicine and jabbed me thinking that the meds werent strong enough.
-Visited 3 different clinics on 7 occasions in less than a month.
-Experienced a breakup that shall not be spoken of anymore.
-Consequently, had a hard time trying to be friends with him because he's trying to make my life more difficult for me.
-Started working upon graduation only to realize I hate my job.
-My brother left for US and says he doesnt even miss me.
-I had to move out of my house to stay nearer to my damn office since we relocated to KL.
-The other day, the car stalled due to lack of petrol, in the middle of the traffic light.

Okay, fine, maybe I exaggerated a little. Aargh, the list could go on and on but then again, why would I want to continue making my life sound more miserable than it already is? Christmas is on its way here to give me a break from all the nonsense that the first 259 days of the year has given me. Dont we all just love Christmas?

I know I do.

:(

2009-12-10T09:25:00.001-08:00

Youre asleep again like I predicted.
Sometimes, its not the things that you do, but the promises you make that put me down.
I wish the words that proceed your mouth would be carefully screened so that I dont put my hopes so high all the time. You dont know how difficult it is to think of the things you say, but dont manage to do. I dont expect for much, but I dont like unfulfilled speeches either. I feel so incomplete in this way. I wish you knew how I felt. Im exhausted. The past week felt like hell for me.
I miss my brother.
I miss my mommie.
I miss home.
I miss my life.
Im becoming someone I dont recognize anymore.
The person I am now may not be the person you used to know but I hope its enough to be the person you still love. I want the best for us. Ill be patient and wait for these trying times to leave my life in peace. I look forward to Christmas and a new year to come and wash away the past that I long to forget.

I think I want my sunflower tattoo for real. :)

Nonsense

2009-12-08T07:49:00.001-08:00

Random occurrences. Emotionless speeches. Complicated ruins.

Your heart is like stone, so cold and hard.
Your eyes, no one can see through them for they are dead.
Your emotions are cruel and evil.
Your life is nothing but a unwanted routine.
Your shadow makes the sun shine disappear.
Your tears melt the joy away.

You are such a curse little girl. Go away.

I wish youd grow up Eleen.
You need a new life.
Its about time.

I Wish

2009-12-08T07:23:00.000-08:00

If wish I could have things my way, I wish I could see things the way you see things.

Life as it is

2009-12-05T12:11:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like your whole life is such a routine? Everyday, wake up, do the same thing, go to bed and repeat the same thing you did the day before. I feel like Im trapped in this cycle now. Work is taking up 70% of my energy and whatever else is left seems to somehow drain away from driving in the excessively jammed roads everyday. Why do people have to work? Why is it such a way that people have to make money to earn a living? What happened to using the barter system and sharing=caring? As the years pass, the world gets more fucked up. I want more in life. Wait, Im not sure if what I have is even called a life.

Christmas, please come faster. Youre the only nearest break Ill get in a long time. I shall be a good gurl and step into church to remember how it feels to be in the house of God. Its been so so sooo long.

I cant sleep. My thoughts are so random. Today's lunch was kinda disappointing since at one point I thought you were lying. At times I think Im just fucked up. My past is my worst nightmare since its the only thing reminds me of how dumb I can be at times. God, save me.

Just some non-important-for-fun stuff. =)

2009-12-01T05:31:00.000-08:00

Coolness. <3

My Love

2009-11-28T06:44:00.000-08:00

Sayang,

I dont know how to explain these emotions to you right now and I dont expect you to fully understand the way Im reacting all of a sudden. Its at times like these that I pray so hard that we dont fall apart. Either way, I seek that small amount of empathy and hope that you try to see things the way I see them. I may not be perfect but Im trying my best to make things good for the both of us. When I see you smile, I see the world a little brighter. When your tears flow from your eyes, my world seems to rain. Slowly, we stumble across this minor occurance and strive to make better days together. Hold me now while I draw my strength in you. Together, we'll make it better. We have so much more ahead of us, hang in there with me.

I love you.

Forgive Me

2009-11-28T03:32:00.000-08:00

Dear lala,

I wish I could have done it any other way.
Im sorry I hurt you.
If only I knew how else to handle the situation, I promise things wouldve turned out better.
I just hope now that youd forgive me.

xoxo.

To Be Better

2009-11-21T09:36:00.000-08:00

I hate how I keep falling sick.

Fainting.
Gastric.
Allergies.
Low Blood Pressure.
Lack of glucose in the blood.
More fainting...
And the list goes on and on.

Thanks for taking care of me the whole time my love. Cant wait to get better real soon then we can go out to play. :D xoxo.

Back Off

2009-11-12T06:14:00.000-08:00

Maybe it never occurred to you that I finally grew up. Maybe you never saw past that little girl you used to know or at least thought you knew. Maybe it's about time you let go and realize that I can take care of myself.

I find myself drowning in the past where you once locked me down and wore me out. The shadow that I used to stand behind, is now the same shadow I run away from. Hiding behind so many lies, I feel the betrayed and insecure. Everyone deserves a second chance, you had yours and you blew it. Why now come and try to fix things? You can never mend shattered glass, why bother trying to relive this act.

Dont try when trying only makes things worse. Leave me alone.

:D

2009-11-10T06:41:00.001-08:00

I Miss You

2009-11-08T12:37:00.000-08:00

Another sleepless night without you here, Im feeling the worth of my love. Youve changed me in many ways, youve changed the structure of my thoughts, every little detail that I take into consideration only occurs because I want to be a better person for me, you and for us. Thinking about how this all started and what we talked about earlier on, Im quite certain what I want for us now and Im going to strive on to make the best of it. Never look beyond these eyes that tell you everyday that you are amazing because you truly are. I love the best of you, the worst of you, only because, I love you, regardless. My one and only. Goodnight <3

Just because you're leaving?

2009-11-06T02:01:00.000-08:00

As if youre the only one who has problems.
As if youre the only person that matters.
Do you even think about how I feel when you speak to me like that?
"Get out!?" Who the fuck do you take me for?

After all Ive given up for you and tried to do to make you happy,
this is what I get in return.
After all those nights crying knowing that you are crying,
these tears, you prolong.

You know Id give up the world for you.
You know that I love you no matter what happens.
You know that youre the only one younger brother that Ill ever have and care so much for.
You know that I worry about you.
You know all that, and yet, you seem to take it for granted that I care.
You say that Im screaming at you but you dont know what you sound like yourself.
Look me in the eyes and tell me what am I not doing right to you and for you?

Honestly, I give up.
It's as though, the more I try, the more Im pushed away.
The more I give up, the more Im left without.

I have problems too you know.
To have to shove them aside and not take it out on you is the hardest part and even that you cannot appreciate.
I feel so helpless and disappointed.
Just do what you do best.

Hey Boy.

2009-11-05T08:45:00.000-08:00

Im so random when Im with you.

I do the weirdest things.

I laugh at nothing-ness.

I smile just looking at you.

I cry when Im upset but I laugh out loud when you try console me.

I make a fuss over the slightest things but you dont mind.

I watch you stone and it makes me giggle.

I think the way you eat is damn cute.

I know you know I know you care but I dont know if you know that Im so in love with you.

I think you drive me mad thinking about you.

I think youre so hot when you wear tight shirts that show whats underneath. LOL

I dont know how you do it,

But you make me happy all the time. :D

I want you to know how much you mean to me.

I wish you knew.

Were so good together. <3

Youre awesome because you dont care what I wear, how I wear it or where I wear it to.

With you, I can be myself and I can be anyone I want to be.

Youre amazing because you think that I dont notice how you touch the people around you.

But in real fact, Im head over heels falling for that gentle side of you.

Youre stupid because you think of the silliest "what ifs".

I dont care what they say because Im in love with you.

When I say the things I say, and you say the words that match up to them, it just makes me love you even more. Sunflowers all the way baby!! ^^

"Yes, gurl?"

Hugs and Kisses.

You rock. Mwahs.

You disappoint me.

2009-11-05T03:46:00.000-08:00

You fucking broke my heart.

Why lahhh?
It sucks that I actually still love you.
Im a sucker for a boy like you.

My only lil bro.

Hugs the pain away. <3

You Give Me Every Reason

2009-11-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

You make me believe in the unbelievable. You are my reason. <3

Breathe

2009-11-02T12:01:00.000-08:00

I listen to you breathing on the phone now.
You fell asleep halfway through our conversation.
I tell you how emotionally detached I am to myself.
How emotionally dependent I am on you.
Its abnormal but I guess what people say is true.
Love fucks everything up and then fixes it again.
I wish I could tell you exactly how scared I am.
I wish you could see past this mask where I hide behind.
Knowing that you're so precious to me,
Id give up so much for you but the logical thing to do,
is not something that Id want to ever do.
Im here to stay and I hope you think the same way.

You're amazing my love.

Security / Insecurity.

2009-11-02T11:33:00.000-08:00

Secure...

because you make me feel like everything is going to be alright.
because your hugs are like gold.
because you never fail to put a smile on my face.
because you say the sweetest things in the world that melts my heart.
because you come up with the funniest reasoning.
because you're so adorable when you tell me how you feel.
because you try not to share bad news with me just so that I dont worry.
because you care about everyone but yourself.
because you love the way I love you.

Insecure...

because you're just too good to be true.

[ Im feeling sick, *boy* you're so contagious ]