Regrets

Your biggest regret would be losing me because you cheated.

My biggest regret would be losing you because you lost me.

Some things that have been done just cannot be undone. No, I should say, can never be undone. Painful as it is, its true. 44 days and counting but this countdown is hurting me because I know Im counting down to a reason or possibility that is impossible. I told myself to walk away but every now and then, I glance back at the "what ifs" and "should have beens". 

For a fact, I know that in time you will read this blogpost and I know it will hurt you but not as much as it hurts me while I type it now. I remember you once told me, I love you forever; I remember replying you that forever is a long time and that a lifetime is all I would dare ask for. Even then, a lifetime was too long to ask. I am but a simple girl, asking for nothing more than love. Not riches, not looks nor anything material can buy my heart. I thought that in the existence of love, love would fend for itself. I still dont think I am wrong or foolish in my thoughts but I was wrong and foolish to think that after you cheated, I could still rewind and go back to how things should have been.

I asked for things that were difficult to give but valid in the kind of relationship I held on to. I asked of (i) commitment, I asked of (ii) integrity, I asked of (iii) trust. I asked for everything noble and true in a relationship and only because I was more than ready and willing to give you the same. I asked that you not cheat (i - as it only proves your lack of commitment); and if you did stray away, I asked that you told me (ii - in that you lacked integrity) and I asked that you never lied to me (iii - so as not to break the trust) but, you lacked all three. 

You cheated, on our anniversary mind you.

In my suspicions, I confronted you, you denied.

After I proved it, you lied. 

You may not see how it has broken me but how I see it, you did not want the relationship enough. What you do not want, I will not instill upon you. After all that happened, I thought it was alright to still be with you, as long as there was love.

What is love to you? All that I pointed out may have been what a relationship survived on, but love? If love survived on companionship or presence, then I would have failed you because you are neither here nor do you provide the company that I seek. If love survived on feelings, do feelings not fade in time? 

For me, love was you and knowing that you loved me back. I cannot see beyond loving someone who cannot understand me or my feelings. I cannot live my life relying on love to get me through another day because many days it fails me and it does not mean that I do not need to get on with life. Chances are for those who learn their lesson, not those who take for granted so ask not of another chance or another day to hurt me. Eight months down the road from that day you broke my heart and I gave you every day of eight months to show me what it was worth. Apparently, nothing.

Coming to two years now, I can say I truly loved you but not enough to unlove myself; for loving you would mean hurting me and I can do that no longer. 44days and you still disappoint me but that changes nothing because I am no one to you now. You will find love someday and I no longer ask anything of it because that is the path you choose and I have no right to speak of it. Move along now, while I slowly see more clearly the exact reason why I walked away.