First Lesson of the New Year!

Happy 2012 dearest readers and blogtrotters!

The countdown has come and gone just like that and yesterday is now known as last year. This time around, I did not allow myself another 9 hour jammed slow-crawl car ride all the way back from Singapore to KL (last Christmas). The roads were jammed, malls were packed and secret hideouts became less secretive as people rushed to find a place to make the last minutes of 2011 count. I, on the other hand, did nothing like that. They say it doesn't matter where you are when special moments happen, it only matters who you are with. Although family and friends were not around, I found the right person who I know would be willing not only to spend this one day of the year with me but one who would be willing to spend every other day of the year with me. 

I love how every year end, people go around making lists and lists of things to do in the new year. It's amusing and funny, simply because, I don't have lists like those. I did try once, but that obviously did not turn out at all so I then realized that all these new year resolutions never come about because they were only written to be read... and then forgotten. Somehow in the middle of the year, everything slows down and all the hype about being a better person for the new year just fades away. Is that because the year isn't so new anymore so people stop trying? I am definitely guilty of "mojo-loss" during the more stressful or tedious parts of the year or even just as the year strings on. 

Anyway, in all the hoo-haa during this new year, my thoughts rang close to home. New years eve, December 31st, yes, that same day everyone crowds and packs the streets in wait of fireworks; I thought of my old man. DAD. Firstly, because that is the exact date many years ago in which he was born and also because on days where my knowledge and experience failed me, my dad always sets me back on path. Over countless years, I have had the most ridiculous thoughts but I thank him for the advice that has led me back to where I am now. So, to the best dad in the world, Happy Birthday! Well, as I was saying, my thoughts led back to the things he had taught me, the advice he has rendered upon me and the encouragement he had given me throughout the years. 

Dad always told me that everyday one should try to better themselves. Regardless of how big or small a change it requires, while improving oneself daily, we will always be better than yesterday. I never liked change. Change used to scare me because I hated the thought of leaving my comfort zone and and the lack of familiarity just wasn't my cup of tea. But I also realized it was the change in my ways that brought me to where I am today. Also because of my job where I am constantly in situations of uncertainty, I have over the years adapted to be more... adaptable. This trait that I have adopted has come in handy and I am glad I am this way now.

It has been many years that I said I would self-teach myself to cook but have delayed that on many terms. Today, a new plan popped up in my head and it just kept circling the corners of my mind until I got up and did what I had to do. I tried to cook. Not easy, but neither was it the most difficult thing to do. Being Chinese, the obvious thing on the menu was... RICE. Okay, I know I sound really stupid but I have never gotten the ratio of rice to water correct and therefore always try to avoid the rice cooker. Running and hiding is now a thing of the past. I made rice. Correction, I tried to make rice.

Fine, I made horribly soggy rice (way too much water), almost like porridge. 

Porridge, as we know it cannot be cooked back to rice. That upset me for awhile thinking how I could have failed my first new years cooking and would have to start all over again. But all was not lost. Just like the many years before that I put in too much effort, too much time, too much energy on things or people that were not worth it; I just did not get the outcome I wanted. However, this also taught me another lesson; that rice (overly watered rice) can still be made into porridge. Still edible and it also meant that I did not have to start from scratch. 

The lost friends: I know that people eventually change. Money lost can always be earned back and time wasted can always be a good lesson to learn to value time. Its nothing new, we all fail to see that mistakes in our past reflect on our future and that no one can be the perfect human. Cooking can be an eye-opener just like many other daily chores or activities that we overlook because electronic entertainment started to take over the world. This year will be a year of adventures both physical and mental, it will be a year of celebration (of long lost friends and new ones), and it will be a year of change for me. Little things. Like how my dad likes to remind me, little things that make the difference. 

Have an awesome holiday everyone and may this year we all learn to embrace change! Cheers to a chameleon-y lifestyle! Happy New Year!!! :)

Raincheck

It's been almost a week that I've been kicking my legs and trolling people on Facebook, living the simple unproductive life that I think I have earned thus far. I gave away my flight to London for off-days sufficient to take my mum on a full-expense-paid holiday with me, anywhere in the world she chose BUT instead my mother chose to go home (state of Pahang!). I thought I'd go to Bangkok to surprise my long lost best friend who married there and just had her first child but news just had to go the opposite direction of the flow. Flooding and bomb threats in Bangkok left me thinking otherwise. Following that, I thought I could drag my younger brother with me to Bali for the long yearned massages but even he was too busy to entertain my calls. Well, of course I could have travelled alone but I do that enough during working flights. So, I sat back and enjoyed my stay home. It was like a recuperation period for me seeing that I have been in and out of hospitals so often this year. The number of needle marks left in my arms from IV drips and all sorts of blood tests leave me looking like an addict (though I'm still the chubby bubbly me in real). 

This job has really taken a toll on me. From the start, I knew it was going to be physically challenging for me, not only in terms of my vertical frame but also because my stamina and body's defense has always been at a low. The sleepless nights, long flights and weird eating habits that I eventually developed (eat a bite-work-eat another bite-work-get fed up of eating-still work). Not to mention the sleeping habits; I have to stay up one or two nights just to sleep soundly the next night and then its back to nights with insomnia. Weather has been the worst friend to me as well. Raging icy cold snowy weather outside, then walking back to a hotel bed in a warm (if not hot) dehydratingly dry and stuffy room. A very easy way of either catching the cold/flu, dehydration, fever or just plain discomfort which eventually leads to one of the mentioned.

I have never said that any job should be enjoyed, after all it is called work for good reason but to certain extents, I enjoy the job perks. Who wouldn't enjoy flying to London for tea and scones one week and the next week be tanning on the beaches in Male (Maldives)? Free entrance into many clubs worldwide and discounts on local treats to be brought home. I love(d) my job; meeting people, coming to terms with adventures, seeing the world, understanding self-dependence. There has to be an end though; all good things come to an end, am I right? The end of being surprised in meeting all sorts of people, seeing enough of the world alone, being too independent that it starts to feel lonely. Thats only my take, others have different opinions that I respect. All in all, I hate that my job is making me feel less than what I should feel; normal, healthy and happy. 

I don't want vampire sleeping hours, I don't want gastric attacks for eating at weird hours and I certainly don't want to be taken for granted at work anymore. This life will end one day and I know I will look back, not in regret but proud I chose this path to prove to myself and others that I would take up the two years that they never believed I would finish and  throw it back in their faces. After that, I will walk away knowing that I have lived the life many wanted to live and still like my mum, chose the better; home. 

It's close to the big two now, about time to start planning other big plans. For now though, Ill pack my bags and give my all to get my way to Paris and then it's picnic by the Eiffel Tower and Ill be counting the days to go home for Christmas. See you soon loves!

Downtime

The ultimate fall a person can experience is a final form of acceptance after a long process of deliberate denial. Often times, it has been said that all downfalls only lead to greater things when one decides to pick him/herself up to try again. That is however, not a concept that can be generalized for each mistake made or unfortunate/unpredictable string of events that occur. True enough, hitting the bottom rock or the lowest point, there is only one other way. UP. Regardless how many times you hear the phrase, it becomes a question of whether this is the worst, the bottom. 

How you get up is another story. After constant streaks of mood swings, outbursts of anger, one too many nights intoxicated, there comes a time when it all becomes too much to handle. A craving for inner peace, hope and a refreshing of inner strength. While many look to familiar faces to find these things, other look to  find a spiritual belonging, crying out to a God they never wanted to believe existed before this feeling of desperation. There never is a straightforward answer but acceptance itself I would say is a form of healing. 

In the most unusual and crude manner, I was recently reminded of how I am still hiding behind sheets of insecurities and a painful past. After all this time, I still try to believe that I can swallow the pain and my pride along with it. Without realizing, I bring upon myself sleepless nights and a dive in my self-esteem and ego. The final let down, a night out ending in emotional trauma, breaking down every ounce of strength I needed to get through my days. 

Still, I would like to believe in humanity and kindness. Somewhere the weak find refuge in people. 

Each day is another chance to feel renewed and to change what can be changed instead of crying over the ones we can't. There is so much, in fact too much that defines life and while we can choose to let each day live for itself, there are many people already defying boundaries, making names for themselves, exploring, creating and doing what brings meaning to their lives. Cry if it makes you feel better but know also that one day you will wake up knowing the worst part is over. 

Everyone needs to stop once in awhile, reboot their system, move on, become better, upgrade and become worthy of what is deemed of them.  

I believe in you. 

Love In All Its Glamour. The Pre-phase

Behind those eyes, I see shadows hovering around like the devil preying on a victim.

Behind those tears, a wilted flower separated from its glorious beauty.

Behind those scars, a "less-than" what should have been.

There was this girl I used to know whom loved life. The smallest details in life brought her joy and laughter that no one could rob her of. She loved how she could create something out of nothing. While people bought birthday cards and fancy presents, she lived by making her own cards and gifts to add that personal touch to it. She would spray cans of paint in her humble little room at home, paint meaningless pieces and cut up coloured paper and magazines to please herself. 

Clothes she adored at stores in which she could not wear, she would make do by hemming the longer edges of a dress or folding the sleeves up to make them look like they fit. In her eyes, a rose was not a rose because of its mere beauty and scent, it was the fact that it was a life lived for beauty and a deeper meaning after death. She took on big dreams, hoping that the future did not hold the typical aspirations that it did for everyone else. 

She not only spent time with friends but made time for them, skipping classes to see the people that mattered. Time constraints were nothing too big a deal for her, she planned her days well, never allowing other people to do so for her. She wore make-up when she felt like it and dressed up in whatever made her feel comfortable. It did not bother her how people looked at her or what they would say about the way she dressed. She promised herself that one day she would give herself the chance to see the world and take in all its beauty. 

This girl, she thought nothing of herself as an individual but walked through life with friends, family and the hope of finding true love. She was but a simple girl, trying to find herself in the ruins of a complicated world. Naive, shy, but determined, she set foot to do what she thought would be best for her. 

The final days of university life had come to an end, she was headstrong on taking a role in society's workforce. Slowly, as time passed by and routine kicked in, she forgot how it was like to be herself. She forgot what it felt like to know the people she knew, the way she used to know them. It was a struggle but she fought hard to remember who she thought she was. 

That was when she met him. This guy, a simple fun-loving guy whom gave her the jitters every time they exchanged looks. He was tall, thin and had these small eyes that would turn into two lines stretched across his face every time he laughed. She could tell that he was different the first time she saw him but for good reasons or bad, she could not tell. Later does she find out that he was her most prized possession but also her worst downfall. Love and the power it fixates on people can be a very dangerous thing.

TBC.

Blazing Hearts

The kind of love that defines a blazing flame. I lit a match stick and it caught fire, the entire box engulfed in flames. I listened to it crackle, watched it flame up and smelt it burn in the air. The idea of a lighted flame from a flick of the fingers, very enticing. An uncontrolled flame, not one you put out with a breath of air but the kind you watch die off on its own. The safe feeling where it is very unlikely to get out of control, but there is something so frightening about it if it did. Love, its seems, burns and feeds on the oxygen and resources of another but fails to fend on its own as a light source, as an inspiration. The heart is charred, a void forever. This broken heart, it must have felt that burning pain but the scars tell a story, one that experienced love in its own magnificence.

Christina Perri - Jar of Hearts Official Video

Half Of My Heart

Regrets

Your biggest regret would be losing me because you cheated.

My biggest regret would be losing you because you lost me.

Some things that have been done just cannot be undone. No, I should say, can never be undone. Painful as it is, its true. 44 days and counting but this countdown is hurting me because I know Im counting down to a reason or possibility that is impossible. I told myself to walk away but every now and then, I glance back at the "what ifs" and "should have beens". 

For a fact, I know that in time you will read this blogpost and I know it will hurt you but not as much as it hurts me while I type it now. I remember you once told me, I love you forever; I remember replying you that forever is a long time and that a lifetime is all I would dare ask for. Even then, a lifetime was too long to ask. I am but a simple girl, asking for nothing more than love. Not riches, not looks nor anything material can buy my heart. I thought that in the existence of love, love would fend for itself. I still dont think I am wrong or foolish in my thoughts but I was wrong and foolish to think that after you cheated, I could still rewind and go back to how things should have been.

I asked for things that were difficult to give but valid in the kind of relationship I held on to. I asked of (i) commitment, I asked of (ii) integrity, I asked of (iii) trust. I asked for everything noble and true in a relationship and only because I was more than ready and willing to give you the same. I asked that you not cheat (i - as it only proves your lack of commitment); and if you did stray away, I asked that you told me (ii - in that you lacked integrity) and I asked that you never lied to me (iii - so as not to break the trust) but, you lacked all three. 

You cheated, on our anniversary mind you.

In my suspicions, I confronted you, you denied.

After I proved it, you lied. 

You may not see how it has broken me but how I see it, you did not want the relationship enough. What you do not want, I will not instill upon you. After all that happened, I thought it was alright to still be with you, as long as there was love.

What is love to you? All that I pointed out may have been what a relationship survived on, but love? If love survived on companionship or presence, then I would have failed you because you are neither here nor do you provide the company that I seek. If love survived on feelings, do feelings not fade in time? 

For me, love was you and knowing that you loved me back. I cannot see beyond loving someone who cannot understand me or my feelings. I cannot live my life relying on love to get me through another day because many days it fails me and it does not mean that I do not need to get on with life. Chances are for those who learn their lesson, not those who take for granted so ask not of another chance or another day to hurt me. Eight months down the road from that day you broke my heart and I gave you every day of eight months to show me what it was worth. Apparently, nothing.

Coming to two years now, I can say I truly loved you but not enough to unlove myself; for loving you would mean hurting me and I can do that no longer. 44days and you still disappoint me but that changes nothing because I am no one to you now. You will find love someday and I no longer ask anything of it because that is the path you choose and I have no right to speak of it. Move along now, while I slowly see more clearly the exact reason why I walked away. 

Revamp!

It feels like forever since the last time I played around with my blog designs. My templates are now so customized, if I want to change any major parts of it I actually have to remove all customizations to do so. Obviously, I only played around with the fonts and colours because I dont want to spend so much time with the new templates. Plus, I dont like the standard templates to begin with. Oh well, Ive decided to spend my time more productively so here's to a new start and an upcoming new blog. :)

Inferior Being

I've written the longest post ever only to have it deleted. Words unspoken are the most painful.