Friday, March 20, 2015

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

7Thirteen

July,
while you come bursting with confidence, you fall short of faith.
July,
you brought out the worst in me which cultivated the best of me.
July,
I look past you like a curse but I see the memories I can't erase.
July,
though you've caged me within my own emotions, I refuse to remain enslaved.
July,
questions unanswered, shortcomings hinder closure.
July,
broken promises remain the ultimate stronghold of decisions.
July,
with doubt I stared you in the eye and still, I won that battle.

Each page reads like a novel but not the kind I look forward to. Ive turned this heart into a venting outlet, destroyed all links to understand the beauty of unconditional love. An unpainted canvas, I pour my feelings to create this mess. I am undeserving.

I try and try and yet, I fail and I disappoint. I can no longer hide behind these covers. Beyond repair, I am sorry. This road is one I must walk alone. 

Saturday, May 3, 2014

The Sixth of the Fourth

Unable to see past my own flaws and with concern for your wellbeing, I learn to see pass possibilities and desires of the heart.

I stand on those grounds, my answer resolute. Another battlefield where I must learn to fight for the survival of emotions that I've trained myself to suppress. 

While it may appear cowardly, in actual fact, this is my selfish way of protecting my beyond-shattered heart. Tired of broken promises, sick of hearing excuses and afraid of a relationship that would belittle me, I work to rebuild these walls.

I am short of going all out but once again, to be the person who calls show hand in this game of hearts, I choose not to be the risk taker any longer. Learning to play my cards right and wait for the right call, the strategic way to go. 

While life may never be simple, I try to relate my reasoning with my emotions, I guess the brain and heart will never come to terms but one side will eventually dominate.

When it comes to the heart, I assume there is no logic and rationale. With a mind of its own it makes you do the things you never thought any amount of courage would bring you to do. 

On the other hand, the mind reminds me of all the reasons why I should not fall into the same trap and that maybe, love is unrequited and also possibly unattainable. 

Caged between the two unions, my battle is one that is against myself. My struggles will wound me but when I stumble out of this war, I want to find peace in the understanding of faith and hope; and maybe, one day, love.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Beneath Your Beautiful

...You've built your walls so high
That no one could climb it…

The truth is, these walls won't spiral to destruction unless you let it. We each have our fears, our insecurities but I chose to put down my ego and pride to make a difference. Don't hold it against me, Im not perfect but at least I am trying.

While everyone saw but the surface, you saw me for who I could be and I relented.

Inconsistencies have changed me, leaving that comfort zone frightened me. I never meant for you to see me this way, I am only human. Emotions and memories may draw me away but what lies hidden behind these tears is the passion and drive to be better. Slowly I find myself at the starting line, starting a race I thought I had long ago finished.

If you would see past the mistakes and hear the words unspoken, you would find someone who is trying. Someone who is trying to make it right. Don't shut me out because I already made that mistake.

…But Im gonna try...


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Monday, December 23, 2013

Last Christmas

So the year ends again and we come back to this eventful day. Christmas Eve. I will always remember this day as the day you stepped up and made one of the biggest choices in your life. One that I was always proud of, up until now.

The song rings continuously in my head,

"Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…
...The very next day you gave it away"

Big deal.

Last Christmas, I gave you my hand in marriage, the very next year you're packing your bags as I watch you leave!

Can I say you made a mistake, could I say I did?

Six months down the road, you're indecisive. You rushed in without thinking what a commitment marriage would include. We end things thinking maybe, its in our best interest. Another six months down the road, I sit here waiting for you to collect the last of your things.

I can never remember Christmas as it used to be. Annual gathering with family and friends, love surrounds me. This year, far from it. Call me a pessimist, but change doesn't sit well with me.

Let this day pass by as soon as possible please.

To everyone else out there… Merry Christmas.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Behind Closed Doors

While the world sees me differently, you saw me the way I knew me.
Once all barriers collapsed, I found a transparency I could not relate to.
I can not define this change which kills me inside.

Can I ever be truly happy again? When will I ever find my true self again?

I mask myself to find inconsistencies with what I believe in.
When everything slips away, the emptiness prevails.
A room filled with people and once again, I can relate to none.

Nothing will ever be the same again. Never again.

Nothing is normal anymore. Neither will I be.

I have lost the very part of me that defined me.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Calm Brown Eyes

Where is the calm after the storm?

The subtle blink of an eye, I wait for these tears to end.
I lived too many days in this agony, too many times in this cycle.
A vicious one that burns me out and yet, I find refuge.

Time never permits the weak to salvage the broken heart.
I look around for courage, drawing all my thoughts back to you.

Who am I?

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Wanderer

I wander these empty streets, lost.
Searching for the life that has left me.
Bitter resentment, angered by nothing more than words.

When will this war within be over.
Seeking refuge in hopes of perseverance.